Perceptions of Time.

Lately I have not been ruminating so heavily upon Buddhism. Instead I have found my attention veering toward my past self, past selves, and all of the feelings I have ever felt. I have been recalling ephemeral feelings of illumination, the bitter bleakness of condemnation, loneliness and then kinship. I have felt a staggering amount of emotions, I have felt in sheer volume, a staggering amount. That we can live a decently long life, and live on to experience this or endure that, it shows a true resilience in our beings.

There are times I wonder if the human race is innately good or innately bad, and I always come away thinking it is merely a matter of which side you pay closer attention to. If you read news of good things and human triumphs, you may resolve we are more good than bad.  If you avidly watch the local news with its torrent of negativity, you may think us all bad. Instead of delving deeper into either side I simply resolve that we always operate from a spiritual/moral baseline, which may have deviated slightly into the light or the dark depending upon what habits we maintain, and what habitual thoughts we employ.

I cannot help but think, just as I did so many times when deeply immersed in books in my past, that our potential is greater than what we yield to. We concede to mediocrity sometimes for the sake of comforts. Most of my efforts have been in the name of seeking truths about this life, but the harder I search, the fewer I find.

I find instead that life is amorphous. Evil people can do good deeds and saints can do terrible things. Instead of becoming shocked by these findings and guarding myself from now until the grave, I find it may be better to simply embrace this utterly confusing life for what it is. At the height of my being I feel I cannot be touched: when people try to tear me down with words I know it is they who fear something; when people do not repay debts to me I know it is because they have uncertainties about their financial futures; when loneliness is upon me I remember to embrace it because it is an opportunity for peace. There are so many intricacies lying surreptitiously about, masked from our very eyes at times. This, to me, is what makes life worth living and worth loving.

I cannot awake every day in shock of how time has passed slowly or quickly. The moment I begin to gauge life in terms of time, I begin to miss so many of these latent pleasures. I remember so many times in the past when I believed I was in the most pivotal moment of my life, only to find it was just another moment. Or all the times I resented the boredom of my situation, only to find they led to truly memorable times. Life is always here to surprise us, to bore us, to humble us.

I've struggled recently with thoughts of how I stagnate. I have been in this hotel from a while now, awaiting a deployment which still has no certain date. During these struggles I must remember all the times before when I felt restless, as if time was still, and how the long awaited time finally did come. But furthermore I must remember not to take even these idle moments for granted, for I am promised no more than what is occurring at this very moment. To anticipate more or bargain for less would be foolish when I can simply rest at ease, accepting life for what it is, and at a pace that is beyond my control.

When we vie for control over our lives, sometimes we are being counter-productive and we should simply appreciate what is, instead of yearning for what isn't there.

Ah, there I go with the Buddhist lesson again. Some things don't change, after all.

Suffocating The Whisperer.

The whisperer is always there, perched on your shoulder and dormant usually. The whisperer is very opportune, and would only like to impart statements in your ear when you are met with a challenge to overcome. It is the whisper of uncertainty and fear. It was there when I ran my first 5K, again it was there for my first 10k, and again for the half marathon. With every challenge that is presented to you, the whisperer will tempt you with its intoxicating appeal of comfort and security. 

"Don't do that, it may hurt you."

"If you do that, you will be embarrassed in front of everyone."

"Your family will not approve of this one."

There is great variation to to the phrases the whisperer utters in your ear, but none of them are enabling. The truth is, we are capable of so much, but very often we hinder ourselves to the point that we are convinced we are not capable of very much. To feel powerless is to feel despair.

The task lies in suffocating the whisperer. That is, terminate the internal monologue which suggests you cannot overcome the challenge before you. Instead, you may find great reward in muting the whisper, going forth, and completing the task anyway. Often, it turns out that the whisperer was turning the challenge into a bigger task than it really was. How often have you completed a dreaded task only to find it wasn't nearly as bad as you had perceived it to be?

Contrarily, let's say you ignore the whisper, go forth, but fail. That is the end of life as we know it! Except, of course, that it isn't. What comes with failure is a greater familiarity with oneself. Failure is a vital component of our lives, and to experience failure rarely is to  withhold a learning experience from yourself. Truly, failure is one of life's best teachers, and there is a certain wisdom in not being afraid to fail.

You may even find that your reckless abandon regarding failure brings about a feeling of authentic freedom. As human beings we're paradoxical in some ways: we want that, but we only have this; we resent some people because of their similarities to us; our brain always instructs us to cling to security and that which is known, while the pleasure centers in our brains are running at full capacity when we endeavor into the unknown on a great adventure. Adventure is written in our evolutionary DNA. We cannot taste this adventure if we empower the negative whisperer of security.

So first pay mind to your thoughts, and veer away from the discouraging whispers of security. If you can fix your thoughts, this will bring about more pleasing actions. Putting this to action over a long enough period of time may yield a certain rebirth of the self. Our identities are nothing more than our repeated day-in, day-out actions. We are nothing if not the habits that we establish. 

So make them good habits, with positive and enabling whispers to fuel your new adventures. There is a new adventure to be had for every day that we awake alive and well.

Old Bicycle.

This is Bill Murray, a late eighties Murray. I found him at a local pawn shop for $55.00. It functioned and has no chain or tire issues so I bought it. I justified this purchase by rationalizing that I would save money on cab fare, and add a newer element to my cardio routine (single gear). 

I'm happy to report it has saved me money, but I left a few things out. You see, while it has no chain or tire issues, it does sport aseat which is secured by only one nut and bolt instead of two - the other bolt housing is completely sheared, with a sheared segment of bolt rusted into housing. Short of welding or buying a new seat, this entailed a wobbly seat and so I pretty much never sit down when I ride. The bike is small for me, so sitting down I look like some amalgamation of a big person on a small bike and a circus bear on a tricycle. It has no grips on the handlebars, so sweat can present challenges.

However, I love this old bike. Of the many things I have missed about being home, I have been missing my bicycle quite a bit lately. I accepted this contract just as I was becoming a bicycle enthusiast, and abandoned that passion in the midst of its crescendo. Now I am reunited to this passion ... riding the worst bicycle I have ever owned. Still, it is a vague reminder of doing what I love, and that is riding a bike. There is a feeling of freedom and youth that is seldom captured in tandem doing other things. 

When I deploy overseas, I will sell Bill Murray to a local pawn shop and hope that the next owner will appreciate him just as much. I will even leave the bicycle cable lock to sweeten the pot (though no one would really want to steal this bike).  But for now, I enjoy it.

The Fluidity of Life.

Something you may have noticed about life is that there are no permanent emotions. Throughout the day, we may awake resentful of having to go to work, then grab our coffee and become happy, then sit on a lull-inducing train ride to work and become drowsy. It is very rare for a particular emotion to dig its heels into your frontal lobe for too long. In Buddhism, the Sanskrit word "samsara" is used. Samsara can be interpreted as "the world of appearance and endless flux", or that we perceive everything according to our ever-changing moods and mentalities.

As you may suspect, it takes a great deal of discipline and understanding about life to maintain balance with regard to samsara. It is not so much about forcing yourself to feel a certain way as it is to understand the feeling. When we are angry, we must look at why. We must consider if it is a worthwhile thing to be angry over: is it going to matter in a month's time if someone was rude to you today? The person being rude was doing so because they could not see that whatever they were angry about would probably be of no significance in the scope of a longer view. When we are laughing and happy, why are we happy? Can we fully appreciate that happiness in that very moment, or will our minds soon begin thinking about the bills again? We can eventually see that it is imperative to our long-term happiness to truly be present and enjoy life as it is, not how it could be perceived in the future or in the past - things we can't readily control.

I used to panic subconsciously when I would feel sad, as if the feeling was going to last forever. The truth is better times are always ahead, but so are worse times, eventful times, boring times. Now, knowing that sadness is a built-in component of being alive, I try to acknowledge the feeling of sadness for what it is and let it calmly pass me by. There is a vast spectrum of emotion we will feel in this life whether we want to or not. The key is to shed the wanting, and not wanting. Simply be. Experience each frame of emotion for what it is.

It isn't easy, and it takes a lifetime worth of practice because we are always practicing - whether we realize it or not. Whether we follow a particular religion, employ a certain philosophy, or resolve that we follow 'nothing', we are always practicing. Practicing to become a better person, a smarter person, a faster or stronger person. At the heart of it all we are practicing happiness. We all have that in common.

Enlightenment if often referenced to outside of Buddhism and before I knew what it meant, I figured it meant a steady state of happiness of wisdom. The truth is you can never fully achieve enlightenment without always practicing enlightenment. It is a dynamic state, and it cannot be nailed down and sat upon forever. Buddha was heralded as someone who achieved enlightenment, but he did so by living the rest of his life practicing enlightenment, or living mindfully in each and every moment. This is Buddhism at its core: we all have the capacity to live in an enlightened state like a Buddha. We all have the basic tools to do so. To me it is less a religion and more a set of principles to be cognizant of.

So realize the fluidity of life. We can't corner the market on glad, mad or sad. We can merely appreciate each present emotion, knowing another will soon come. Looking at life this way has made me more understanding and with understanding comes happiness. If we can understand something, we have nothing to fear about it, and this gives rise to true happiness.

Against the Grain.

It is called a daily grind for good reason: after a while it can seem repetitive, and void of purpose. I hope this is not the case for you, but if it is, there are ways to overcome this purposeless or anxiety-stricken feeling.

I have observed in myself and in others that upon waking there is an innate resistance to even escape the confines of our own beds. This seems fairly human and if I were to postulate I would say it is derived from our days en utero. Why leave a warm cozy and secure place for a cold and sometimes uninviting place? Because there is adventure out there! So the very first step of my day is to shatter the trepidation of leaving the bed. I roll out of bed after the very first alarm (so as not to foster a feeling of hesitance by using multiple alarms) and I do push ups. Yep, push ups. Do as many as you want, but make it somewhat of a challenge, for both physical and psychological reasons. Upon completing the push ups I am already awake, pretty much instantly.

From there I sit and do nothing. Sitting meditation, for at least 10 minutes. I have made this part of my routine for the past 6 weeks and it has been great. Why? Because when we rise, so many thoughts, both negative and positive, immediately begin flooding our minds. This is no way to start a day. It is better to start on a neutral plane, and so I meditate. I sit, and do nothing but breathe and think thoughtless thoughts.

Upon completing the meditation I am usually very happy and present in the moment. Since I am already on the floor, I stretch for five minutes. I won't recommend any particular stretch over another, but five minutes of stretching has been a great transitional period from the meditative state to the real world state, closely paying attention to every sensation in the body.

After this, I exercise. Any sort of exercise is fine, at least twenty minutes. You will notice all of this requires quite an allotment of time, but it is truly worth it. I rationalize this routine by reminding myself that the day could very well pose many challenges, both perceived and the wonderful surprise attack challenges - ninja challenges. For this reason I tend to throw down the gauntlet very early. I push myself very hard whether I am running, cycling, or in the gym. If I can overcome one of the day's greatest challenges (self-imposed) right away, the rest has generally been very easy.

This is my routine, and some humble suggestions for you. The push up thing is great and if you have a serious caffeine addiction, push ups are a wonderful surrogate to that addiction. I hope that some of this helps someone.

Namaste.