No plugging the ears and attempting to la la la until it passes.
Sometimes, when you no longer see yourself as the hero of your own drama, expecting victory after victory, and you understand deeply that this is not paradise... somehow we're, especially the privileged ones that we are, we somehow embrace the notion that this veil of tears, that it's perfectable, that you're going to get it all straight. I've found that things became a lot easier when I no longer expected to win. - Leonard Cohen ("I'm Your Man" Documentary)
You are not the main character. There is no fatalistic bias toward your eventual victory. Do you fancy yourself as a hero? I think that heroes are fictional. I think we are a composition of darkness and light. I think the composition changes by the day. Some days I am 75% light.
Some days I am bad.
"That you're going to get it all straight."
This resonates. To this point in my life I have obliged to seek truth. I never find truth; and if I do, it is fleeting. Truth is shapeless. Truth comes in so many forms.
I have seized glimpses of the truth in rare occasions in my life.
Could I have seized truth by sitting in front of a TV instead of reading books?
From gossiping instead of running?
Video games instead of conversation?
These questions are irrelevant. The point is that nothing can really be appraised. No one can be judged. Without living the collective experiences of the person I am judging, how could I possibly deduce what is right or wrong in what they are doing?
Perhaps we behave as we do, irrationally and otherwise, to stay sane. Or perhaps less dramatic, we make the decisions we make to try and maintain happiness.
After I watched Fight Club for the first time, several realizations occurred. The first was that I wanted to be like Tyler Durden; I wanted to give the middle finger to conventionality; I wanted to be free at any juncture. I'm not there yet. Yet.
The second realization was that I wanted Brad Pitt's body, circa Fight Club. Or hell, circa Snatch - that would be fine too.
At some point in my 20s I sold myself the lie that I was a runner, and a runner only. That's all I had ever been, and I had a knack for being that rare breed of runner that didn't get injured. The problem with this lie was this: in acquiescing that I was a runner, I ruled out the possibility that I could be strong. I've always been thin, so I reasoned that I had to fall in line with the lie: I'm thin, so I must be a runner. I'm thin, so I can't be strong.
New Year's Resolutions are bullshit.
You've heard the wise cracks in the past about the resolutioner who gets the gym membership and then fades out from the routine two to three months into the new year. It's not just the gym stuff - it's most resolutions. Resolutions are bullshit.
Why wait 365 days to make yourself better?
It's not human nature to force a radical change upon yourself on a set day and hope to stick to it.
1 January is just another day, not unlike 18 April. Or 20 September.
Each day provides the same foothold; the same opportunity to get better.
Getting older isn't license to give up. It's license to get better.
So get better.
Change occurs when you get sick of something. Remember that shitty relationship? When you finally had enough of it, you got out of it. Or maybe you're in one now and want to get out, and if that feeling stays, you will, eventually.
Everyone has a bullshit threshold. People pore over the idea of changing but given enough inflammation toward any given thing, change will occur. It's a law of human nature.
So when you're ready to make the radical change - surprise! - you will. Sometimes time doesn't move as fast as you want it to.
I sold myself the lie that I couldn't be strong. Now I can squat 300 pounds. I can deadlift 425 pounds. It's not revolutionary, and it's not a generational feat. But for me, given where I was, it's unprecedented.
This is me around this time last year in Baghdad. I even posted this pic before on this blog to show my strength training "progress".
Skinny guy. I began barbell training. Over the past year I've clung to barbells and the four big lifts. No preacher curls, lat pulldowns, tricep extensions. Just the big lifts. Get stronger and your body will reflect that, was the mantra.
This is me now.
The change didn't occur because of some gimmicky diet pill, fad diet, or ephemeral workout plan. The change occurred because I was ready for it. The change occurred because I'm a stubborn son of a bitch. I don't need to wait for others to motivate me. I can go out and get it myself.
It was a matter of putting in the work. Deadlifts, dips, pullups, burpees, pushups, planks, squats, press, bench press, clean & jerk, bent barbell rows. I still run, but when I run, I run fast. I sprint. I don't do long slow duration. I did that for 15 years with little to show for it.
When I want cardio I lift faster. Deadlifts, drop the barbell and move immediately into burpees. Squats, move immediately into pullups and dips. Simple, hard work.
So when you're ready, when you really believe the change is necessary, you'll make it. But you can't manufacture the resolve on a given day. 1 January is sabotage.
I don't have Brad Pitt's body yet. But I will. What I once felt was an unobtainable pipe dream is tangible now. Even as I age, it's tangible.
I'm not sold on the lie that I'm a runner, that I can't be strong.
What lies are you selling to yourself?
You can be those pictures you look at.
You can learn that unlearnable thing.
You can languish or you can thrive. That's the choice you have to make in every moment.
If this reaches you, you're a friend indeed, and you're on my mind. I'll try and be brief, but I make no promises, and if you know me very well, you know succinct messages are not my strongest suit.
Life is an open ended statement, at your disposal exists a vast spectrum of emotions and perceptions. In the fulminant darkness - call it depression, a funk, a slump - it's easy to lie dormant and defeated. Vigor abandons when you need it most.
And yet I propose that you burn. Nothing dissipates the fog of suffering faster than intensity for living with which we have all been endowed.
When life kicks you in the teeth, wipe the blood from your mouth and grab your footing. And go.
When you hit a wall, take it as a reminder that you should mobilize upward whenever the option presents, instead of lateral. And if the option does not present, look harder. There is always a way out, and you're always tasked with being the pathfinder.
Your battles are yours to fight, and on your own steam you can win. I will always be here to go in with you, when that time comes. My true friends are few, but they are true friends because I know that if I falter and don't recover, if I am one day penniless and smelling terrible, my friends won't stray.
The truth is there are only relative truths, and those truths are attenuated for the moment. What may have been a truth two years ago may be a malevolent falsehood now. Be a student to the game of life, and exceed expectations. Your perceived ceiling is eggshell-thin. Erupt through it and move up a floor. You're never quite done, the effort is innate. Within us all is a latent wellspring of effort and purpose which never runs dry until we've sold ourselves on the lie that it has.
Nothing is ever over, no, not until you condemn it as such. And even then, make damn sure you can't resuscitate it. If you love it, breathe life into it. If you resolve to leave it, it had better be for something bigger and better.
The truth (relative) is that nothing is ever as daunting as it seems. The marathon in total is imposing, but the process is always one foot before the other. The courage takes place in the first step, the rest is simply maintaining artfully, going forward. Sometimes you're just falling forward to keep it going, and usually that's enough.
Don't reside with dogma. Nothing in life can be nailed down in place forever. The truth is fleeting and in its pursuit a fleet foot is required. If you're content with dogma then you're content with walking among the living dead. You're smarter than that.
Do not go gently. Live with every amount of intensity and livelihood ever afforded to you. Vibrancy is at your disposal until it isn't any more. You can run until you can't, so run while you can. One day you won't be able to. And please do run; some of life's most poignant truths I discovered in running. Running is an accurate portrayal of life itself, with hardship and challenge ever-present, the devil perched atop your shoulder whispering "You've done enough. You can quit now."
Don't fear the job you're offered. Take it and surprise yourself.
If you can travel the world, you probably should. Self discovery awaits. You're going to fall in love with the person you truly are, the self which has gone unrecognized to date.
And for fuck's sake, if you can go see Bassnectar live on New Year's Eve, I don't see a worldly reason good enough for not going. When you're enveloped in the sound, being crushed to death under low frequency pistons, it will all make sense.
Tear down the house and build it anew. One day you will stand before it and realize the wisdom of the endeavor.
Heroics are rooted in the mundane especially. The e-mails, the spreadsheets, the dishes to be washed - they beg to be completed, and completed artfully. Everything in life is an opportunity to express yourself, and artfully so.
Tear yourself down when the murk, the fog, descends upon you. You will outlast the fog. Emerge from the other side on fire with purpose. You are capable, and then beyond the recognized capability, you're more capable.
I've found life in the rare moments where I pushed myself beyond what I thought was possible. I've found life in letting people in, no matter how few they are. I've found life in letting myself hurt, and not trying to evade it. Pain is a master, and a teacher long tenured, establishing office since the beginning of time.
Do not go gently. The most primitive and intimate confession is that we will all die someday. Until that day comes, challenge yourself every day. Your heart never thinks to stop beating, it's not in its nature to do so, and so why should you think to stop giving your best effort? It is a farce to the heart to live meekly.
Buddhist principle oft-revisited is that there exist two worlds: the externalized world, as well as the world internal. One world exists apart from your lament. Thunder storms will happen on wedding days. Tornados tear houses built by hand over years asunder. Sun wears down car interiors. In Buddhism, the idea is to be at peace within, and then without. First acquiesce to this understanding that nothing can change your inner world unless you let it change. You control the breath, you are ever the gatekeeper of your disposition. Nothing breaks this down except for you. You are the alpha and omega for the unassailable or fragile nature of your being.
And once you have taken hold of this understanding of the intrinsic world, address the outer world. The rainy day did not ruin your Saturday. You let the rainy day ruin your Saturday. The ultimate onus: extreme personal accountability, even of those things which you cannot control.
In Infinite Jest, the head coach of the Enfield Tennis Academy is Gerhardt Schtitt, a german native who is densely and uncompromisingly philosophical, even when his players suffer during A.M. drills. Below is a passage from Schtitt following a grueling A.M. drill during frigid Boston temperatures.
Adjust. Adjust? Stay the same. No? Is not stay the same? Is it cold? Is it wind? Cold and wind is the world. Outside, yes? On the tennis court you the player: this is not where there is cold wind. I am saying. Different world inside. World built inside cold outside world of wind breaks the wind, shelters the player, you, if you stay the same, stay inside.
What will it be this time that you blame? The cold? The wind? The heat? What will it be? He continues.
Not ever I think this adjusting. To what, this adjusting. This world inside is the same, always, if you stay there. This is what we are making, no? New type citizen. Not of cold and wind outside. Citizens of this sheltering second world we are working to show you every dawn, no? To make your introduction.
This is no simple task if you've ever tried your hand at it. To remain within, to resist the temptation to blame externalized factors. When you are immersed in a culture where so many people do it and claim victory by this means - you need only look so far as the litigation-happy climate of the United States - it is tantalizing to relinquish the inner world and point the finger outwardly.
This second world inside the lines. Yes? Is this adjusting? This is not adjusting. This is not adjusting to ignore cold and wind and tired. Not ignoring “as if.” Is no cold. Is no wind. No cold wind where you occur. No? Not “adjust to conditions.” Make this second world inside the world: here there are no conditions.
Or else leave here into large external world where is cold and pain without purpose or tool, eyelash in eye and pretty girl – not worry anymore about how to occur.
And so Schtitt addresses the why. Why struggle so hard to maintain the scope of the world within us? The reason becomes obvious once you participate in the outer world. The world where you are helpless to the forces of cold, heartache, eyelashes in the eye and pretty girls to make you falter. If you want to vacillate spinelessly in the world and be subject to the perils of these entities and so many more, then do so. Yet there is always an option to exist within oneself, unswaying and unnerved even when nothing goes right. When all favor has eluded me and I am left only as this flesh hull with but a dull thud emanating from my chest, I am still so much more. I can still be centered, I can still burn with strength. I can still forge my own way, manufacture my own luck and fortune again and again in the future. The world within is an everlasting wellspring of purpose.
Or simply be crushed beneath the weight of what you find to be reality. Still, it is your choice. It is because of this choice that you are human in the first place. Your adherence to this world or that world may be what finally orients you to either greatness or faceless unremarkable ennui.
I made a new playlist on 8tracks. The description of it is within the link, if you'd like to have a listen.
Throughout this life I've read many books. The most memorable books synthesize, unbeknownst to me, and become part of who I am. Books change how I view the world around me and they change how I view myself. Pinnacle moments are those where I set the book aside, gaze idly at the ceiling, and allow myself to acquiesce to the acknowledgement that a book has changed me.
This synthesis is fascinating to me, just as humans are amazing as well. That we can pick up a book, so full of words and effort and sentiment, and assimilate its contents with resultant change in who we are is simply amazing.
Below I've listed some of my favorite books, particular quotes which shook me or at least faintly resonated, and what the quotes mean to me.
"Norwegian Wood" by Haruki Murakami
I've read "Norwegian Wood" three times. I identified with the book almost immediately. The protagonist, Toru Watanabe, is a book-loving introvert; a recurring theme in Murakami's books. It was recently adapted as a movie, but a certain peril became of the movie which is commonplace for film adaptations: pieces were missing. I digress. Quotes.
"Don't feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that." Nagasawa, to Watanabe.
This is not an incredibly profound quote, but it struck me nonetheless. I've never derived merit of any sort from periods of self-pity. An ugly truth in this world is that no one, aside from the small circle of truly intimate friends and family, truly cares for your struggles or purported swan song. The less time spent brooding over your own misfortunes or perceived misfortunes, the better. Far better to foist yourself unto your next effort, and it's always made me feel better to simply start working toward a new goal rather than clamber in the wake of a recently failed goal or relationship.
“But who can say what's best? That's why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.”
Ever been completely absent in the midst of what should have been a happy moment? Be here now, and fiercely so. If it makes you happy and it won't harm anyone else, then don't think too much about how others will feel about it; enjoy. We're all positioned along this timeline of being alive with no certain grasp of when the timeline ends; the more time spent genuinely enjoying what you love, the better. One less death bed regret.
"Infinite Jest" by David Foster Wallace
Still in the midst of this prodigious literary effort. Still, there are enough quotes I've tripped over that have left their mark. Sometimes I feel like this entire book is one big transcendental quote.
"The truth will set you free, but not before it is finished with you."
Much of David Foster Wallace's literary value comes from his ability to pierce the veneer of casual lament and invade psychic space that you thought was yours, and yours alone. As in DFW has been skulking about your psychic quarters and rest lamplight on the darkest corners.
This quote reminds me of a scenario where two people are in love, and while one of the lovers is away from home, the other lover is sifting through the closet, until this lover finds the journal of the other lover. The lover knows that reading this journal will hurt - because we all know that the purpose of journals is to house those painful truths which can't live sustainably well in open air - but goes on and reads the damn journal anyway. Predictably the person becomes hurt, even though he/she knew this would be the outcome. The truth is like that: the very best lessons in life bury their stinger deep into adipose tissue and you can't just scrape the damn barb out. It will come out when it's ready. You'll be better and wiser in the end, but not without the requisite amount of suffering enveloping you first.
“That sometimes human beings have to just sit in one place and, like, hurt. That you will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do. That there is such a thing as raw, unalloyed, agendaless kindness. That it is possible to fall asleep during an anxiety attack. That concentrating on anything is very hard work.”
This quote is part of a much larger passage, all of it armed to the teeth with keenly sharpened truth daggers that penetrate the perfunctory psyche that's necessary to trudge through the menial times. I haven't directly experienced the panic attack, but the rest of this is absolute resonant truth.
"Shantaram" by Gregory David Roberts
I loved Shantaram so much upon completing it (another fairly long read) that I forced it upon many of my friends as a Christmas gift. Hopefully they enjoyed it, those who bothered to read it. Shantaram is really just a book about life, but it takes place in India and pulls no punches, makes no provisions to romanticize the country - yet at the same time these grimey depictions are also what make it that much more endearing.
"I don’t know what frightens me more, the power that crushes us or our endless ability to endure it."
This quote is about mankind's inherent attributes: to exploit, manipulate and oppress the people we should care about, and the ability by those on the receiving end to just endure it, and emerge from the other side of that experience and one day again smile so hard it splits the corners of your mouth, or just laugh so hard you pee yourself just a little - a dignified amount of laughter-induced micturation. This quote has presented it as a truth to me both firsthand and in reading, and it's a microcosm of what it means to be human, to me. The fiercely selfish and evil desire to win out regardless of who it may destroy, and then in turn the ability of humans to just withstand it. Sometimes it all gets stripped away and you're left with nothing but a flesh hull, something beating inside, and your posture. And then the future continues to unfurl before you and things get better, and one day you look in the rearview mirror, appraise that time you were crushed, and think to yourself, "how the hell did I make it through that?"
“Sooner or later, fate puts us together with all the people, one by one, who show us what we could, and shouldn’t, let ourselves become. Sooner or later we meet the drunkard, the waster, the betrayer, the ruthless mind, and the hate-filled heart. But fate loads the dice, of course, because we usually find ourselves loving or pitying almost all of those people. And it’s impossible to despise someone you honestly pity, and to shun someone you truly love. ”
The best action we can take in beholding the mistakes of those around us is to honor them by not making those same mistakes. And I find it true: you can't hate those you pity. And you can't truly shun someone if you love them, and love is genuine. A flaw is just as much a part of a person's composition as any accomplishment they've ever had.
And now to depart from books and dive into my other favorite subject: music! Random array of music below.
I've played this long a lot recently. After seeing Bassnectar live, I now hear the songs and think to myself "I know what this song feels like." And I smile.
Seven Lions is establishing a musical identity in the darker corners of electronic music. He's making it his style and I'm enjoying it thoroughly.
Digging some Swim Deep recently.
The Weeknd's take on "Odd Look" by Kavinsky is spectacular to me.
When I'm not working or at the gym or running or sleeping, I'm reading. Relegated to a lifestyle recently that borders monastic. Infinite Jest, a behemoth of a novel and David Foster Wallace's magnum opus, has consumed me. Referred to infrequently or perhaps frequently (depending on which dark corners of the internet or the real world you frequent) as the modern day Ulysses, Infinite Jest is accused of being a pretentious read. I can see that.
What started as a clambering effort to get the literary wheels turning now flows freely. I was for a time having to put forth sincere effort to feel anything emotive for the book. This all seemed to evaporate without my knowing perhaps 200 pages in. I acclimated to the voluminous diction DFW employs, and I adapted to the monolithic 500+ word run-on sentences that sometimes outlasted the pages they were written on. Furthermore, character depth can only increase over time when performed artfully, and DFW is nothing if not artful.
What seems interesting, as I read this book, is this: David Foster Wallace battled addiction and depression throughout his life, as is clearly apparent in this book, but he wrote Infinite Jest during a period of abstinence from substances. This makes sense to me, when I read the abundant clarity in his writing. However, more interestingly, this book DEMANDS that you be sober to read it as well. You simply would not be able to absorb the content elsewise. And so once you are interested in this book, and make it your priority, you would as a result shelf any vice you may have in order to comprehend the text.
Interesting!
I just purchased a chunk of music, the lineup of which pleases me. Have a gander if you want.
