Resolutions Are Bullshit.

After I watched Fight Club for the first time, several realizations occurred. The first was that I wanted to be like Tyler Durden; I wanted to give the middle finger to conventionality; I wanted to be free at any juncture. I'm not there yet. Yet.

The second realization was that I wanted Brad Pitt's body, circa Fight Club. Or hell, circa Snatch - that would be fine too.

At some point in my 20s I sold myself the lie that I was a runner, and a runner only. That's all I had ever been, and I had a knack for being that rare breed of runner that didn't get injured. The problem with this lie was this: in acquiescing that I was a runner, I ruled out the possibility that I could be strong. I've always been thin, so I reasoned that I had to fall in line with the lie: I'm thin, so I must be a runner. I'm thin, so I can't be strong.

New Year's Resolutions are bullshit.

You've heard the wise cracks in the past about the resolutioner who gets the gym membership and then fades out from the routine two to three months into the new year. It's not just the gym stuff - it's most resolutions. Resolutions are bullshit.

Why wait 365 days to make yourself better?

It's not human nature to force a radical change upon yourself on a set day and hope to stick to it.

1 January is just another day, not unlike 18 April. Or 20 September.

Each day provides the same foothold; the same opportunity to get better.

Getting older isn't license to give up. It's license to get better.

So get better.

Change occurs when you get sick of something. Remember that shitty relationship? When you finally had enough of it, you got out of it. Or maybe you're in one now and want to get out, and if that feeling stays, you will, eventually. 

Everyone has a bullshit threshold. People pore over the idea of changing but given enough inflammation toward any given thing, change will occur. It's a law of human nature.

So when you're ready to make the radical change - surprise! - you will. Sometimes time doesn't move as fast as you want it to.

I sold myself the lie that I couldn't be strong. Now I can squat 300 pounds. I can deadlift 425 pounds. It's not revolutionary, and it's not a generational feat. But for me, given where I was, it's unprecedented.

This is me around this time last year in Baghdad. I even posted this pic before on this blog to show my strength training "progress".

Skinny guy. I began barbell training. Over the past year I've clung to barbells and the four big lifts. No preacher curls, lat pulldowns, tricep extensions. Just the big lifts. Get stronger and your body will reflect that, was the mantra.

This is me now.

The change didn't occur because of some gimmicky diet pill, fad diet, or ephemeral workout plan. The change occurred because I was ready for it. The change occurred because I'm a stubborn son of a bitch. I don't need to wait for others to motivate me. I can go out and get it myself.

It was a matter of putting in the work. Deadlifts, dips, pullups, burpees, pushups, planks, squats, press, bench press, clean & jerk, bent barbell rows. I still run, but when I run, I run fast. I sprint. I don't do long slow duration. I did that for 15 years with little to show for it.

When I want cardio I lift faster. Deadlifts, drop the barbell and move immediately into burpees. Squats, move immediately into pullups and dips. Simple, hard work.

So when you're ready, when you really believe the change is necessary, you'll make it. But you can't manufacture the resolve on a given day. 1 January is sabotage.

I don't have Brad Pitt's body yet. But I will. What I once felt was an unobtainable pipe dream is tangible now. Even as I age, it's tangible.

I'm not sold on the lie that I'm a runner, that I can't be strong.

What lies are you selling to yourself?

You can be those pictures you look at.

You can learn that unlearnable thing.

You can languish or you can thrive. That's the choice you have to make in every moment.

So make it.

Do Not Go Gently.

If this reaches you, you're a friend indeed, and you're on my mind. I'll try and be brief, but I make no promises, and if you know me very well, you know succinct messages are not my strongest suit.

Life is an open ended statement, at your disposal exists a vast spectrum of emotions and perceptions. In the fulminant darkness - call it depression, a funk, a slump - it's easy to lie dormant and defeated. Vigor abandons when you need it most.

And yet I propose that you burn. Nothing dissipates the fog of suffering faster than intensity for living with which we have all been endowed.

When life kicks you in the teeth, wipe the blood from your mouth and grab your footing. And go.

When you hit a wall, take it as a reminder that you should mobilize upward whenever the option presents, instead of lateral. And if the option does not present, look harder. There is always a way out, and you're always tasked with being the pathfinder.

Your battles are yours to fight, and on your own steam you can win. I will always be here to go in with you, when that time comes. My true friends are few, but they are true friends because I know that if I falter and don't recover, if I am one day penniless and smelling terrible, my friends won't stray.

The truth is there are only relative truths, and those truths are attenuated for the moment. What may have been a truth two years ago may be a malevolent falsehood now. Be a student to the game of life, and exceed expectations. Your perceived ceiling is eggshell-thin. Erupt through it and move up a floor. You're never quite done, the effort is innate. Within us all is a latent wellspring of effort and purpose which never runs dry until we've sold ourselves on the lie that it has. 

Nothing is ever over, no, not until you condemn it as such. And even then, make damn sure you can't resuscitate it. If you love it, breathe life into it. If you resolve to leave it, it had better be for something bigger and better.

The truth (relative) is that nothing is ever as daunting as it seems. The marathon in total is imposing, but the process is always one foot before the other. The courage takes place in the first step, the rest is simply maintaining artfully, going forward. Sometimes you're just falling forward to keep it going, and usually that's enough.

Don't reside with dogma. Nothing in life can be nailed down in place forever. The truth is fleeting and in its pursuit a fleet foot is required. If you're content with dogma then you're content with walking among the living dead. You're smarter than that.

Do not go gently. Live with every amount of intensity and livelihood ever afforded to you. Vibrancy is at your disposal until it isn't any more. You can run until you can't, so run while you can. One day you won't be able to. And please do run; some of life's most poignant truths I discovered in running. Running is an accurate portrayal of life itself, with hardship and challenge ever-present, the devil perched atop your shoulder whispering "You've done enough. You can quit now."

Don't fear the job you're offered. Take it and surprise yourself.

If you can travel the world, you probably should. Self discovery awaits. You're going to fall in love with the person you truly are, the self which has gone unrecognized to date.

And for fuck's sake, if you can go see Bassnectar live on New Year's Eve, I don't see a worldly reason good enough for not going. When you're enveloped in the sound, being crushed to death under low frequency pistons, it will all make sense.

Tear down the house and build it anew. One day you will stand before it and realize the wisdom of the endeavor.

Heroics are rooted in the mundane especially. The e-mails, the spreadsheets, the dishes to be washed - they beg to be completed, and completed artfully. Everything in life is an opportunity to express yourself, and artfully so.

Tear yourself down when the murk, the fog, descends upon you. You will outlast the fog. Emerge from the other side on fire with purpose. You are capable, and then beyond the recognized capability, you're more capable.

I've found life in the rare moments where I pushed myself beyond what I thought was possible. I've found life in letting people in, no matter how few they are. I've found life in letting myself hurt, and not trying to evade it. Pain is a master, and a teacher long tenured, establishing office since the beginning of time.

Do not go gently. The most primitive and intimate confession is that we will all die someday. Until that day comes, challenge yourself every day. Your heart never thinks to stop beating, it's not in its nature to do so, and so why should you think to stop giving your best effort? It is a farce to the heart to live meekly.

Until next time.