Perceptions of Time.

Lately I have not been ruminating so heavily upon Buddhism. Instead I have found my attention veering toward my past self, past selves, and all of the feelings I have ever felt. I have been recalling ephemeral feelings of illumination, the bitter bleakness of condemnation, loneliness and then kinship. I have felt a staggering amount of emotions, I have felt in sheer volume, a staggering amount. That we can live a decently long life, and live on to experience this or endure that, it shows a true resilience in our beings.

There are times I wonder if the human race is innately good or innately bad, and I always come away thinking it is merely a matter of which side you pay closer attention to. If you read news of good things and human triumphs, you may resolve we are more good than bad.  If you avidly watch the local news with its torrent of negativity, you may think us all bad. Instead of delving deeper into either side I simply resolve that we always operate from a spiritual/moral baseline, which may have deviated slightly into the light or the dark depending upon what habits we maintain, and what habitual thoughts we employ.

I cannot help but think, just as I did so many times when deeply immersed in books in my past, that our potential is greater than what we yield to. We concede to mediocrity sometimes for the sake of comforts. Most of my efforts have been in the name of seeking truths about this life, but the harder I search, the fewer I find.

I find instead that life is amorphous. Evil people can do good deeds and saints can do terrible things. Instead of becoming shocked by these findings and guarding myself from now until the grave, I find it may be better to simply embrace this utterly confusing life for what it is. At the height of my being I feel I cannot be touched: when people try to tear me down with words I know it is they who fear something; when people do not repay debts to me I know it is because they have uncertainties about their financial futures; when loneliness is upon me I remember to embrace it because it is an opportunity for peace. There are so many intricacies lying surreptitiously about, masked from our very eyes at times. This, to me, is what makes life worth living and worth loving.

I cannot awake every day in shock of how time has passed slowly or quickly. The moment I begin to gauge life in terms of time, I begin to miss so many of these latent pleasures. I remember so many times in the past when I believed I was in the most pivotal moment of my life, only to find it was just another moment. Or all the times I resented the boredom of my situation, only to find they led to truly memorable times. Life is always here to surprise us, to bore us, to humble us.

I've struggled recently with thoughts of how I stagnate. I have been in this hotel from a while now, awaiting a deployment which still has no certain date. During these struggles I must remember all the times before when I felt restless, as if time was still, and how the long awaited time finally did come. But furthermore I must remember not to take even these idle moments for granted, for I am promised no more than what is occurring at this very moment. To anticipate more or bargain for less would be foolish when I can simply rest at ease, accepting life for what it is, and at a pace that is beyond my control.

When we vie for control over our lives, sometimes we are being counter-productive and we should simply appreciate what is, instead of yearning for what isn't there.

Ah, there I go with the Buddhist lesson again. Some things don't change, after all.