The Polarity of Ego.

At the heart of Buddhist teachings is the practice of relinquishing one's ego. This is done by acknowledging the fact that we have ego - usually observed as our 'identity'. Example: Historically, I have not liked Spam (the amalgam of meats compressed into a cube) and could identify myself as "Oh, I am that guy who doesn't like Spam." This extends to all facets of life, and if we are not mindful, we can find  ourselves trapped by our own ego and identity.

Contrarily, ego propels us. It is our ego, the manifestation of our future selves in our mind's eye, that compels us to better ourselves, typically. Example: if strength training with weights did not yield desirable changes in physical appearance, would the motivation to strength train remain the same? Truly, some people strength train for reasons not related to aesthetics, but in American culture, this is not always so.

As with many things, with consideration of the positive and negative implications of ego, there must be balance. I am a paramedic, and it is my ego which drives me to improve my knowledge base and skill in the procedures and treatments concerning my job. In ways, it is my passion, and I derive great pleasure from doing the job well. However, I can recognize that this is simply an ego game. I only further myself as a paramedic to feed my ego. We all do these things, and it is human. I want to have that ego identifier - "Dustin Pumm: excellent paramedic" - and this pursuit is benign in moderation.

It is when vital aspects of life are neglected in this pursuit that the ego game begins to destroy. For me, I taper back from ego engagements way before this becomes a concern. Though others may find it odd that a person could fervently improve themselves in a particular aspect and then just as quickly resign from the torrid regimen, it speaks to me as a truthful and genuine path to maintain. If there is anything I have learned thus far in this life, it is that I will elect to engage in actions that speak truth to me, and from which I can derive much positive energy.

So for you, my reader, I encourage you to gaze within, intently and with deliberation. Identify the initiatives in your life which you have a passion for and wish to further, but remain ever present in this very moment, and realize when to digress from these pursuits. Realize also that pride may seem like a good quality, when in reality it tends to stunt our spiritual growth.

I seek raw experience. Pain and enlightenment. Effort and catharsis. I know now where the good energies are stored, and what preoccupations house bad energies. When I read frequently, I write frequently. When I write frequently, I smile. And when I smile, I am happy. Smiling has come to me much easier these days.

I wish the same for you. Enjoy the pleasantries of Thanksgiving if you are able, and if you are not, be glad to be in good health. And even if this is not so, find happiness in being alive.

Hello, I'm 28!

You need to know something about me, and you need to know it now: I am 28 years old. I have pondered this age for the last few idle moments, and I have never considered 28 to be a hallmark year in my life. I never fancied myself as a 28 year old at the pinnacle of anything, or that the age in itself would represent some sort of pinnacle. Yet here I am, ruminating upon this interesting age. At 28 years old, I am so happy. At 28 years old, I love everyone who is in my life and those who have departed it. I think of everyone fondly. All of you so human with your own fears and dreams and reservations and ultimately your freedoms and hopes.

It occurred to me last night that freedom is the ultimate gift. It is tantamount to all meaningful life. Freedom begets life. It is with the opportune moments that freedom yields that we are able to carve out a meaningful existence. In this passing relationship of Kimlee and I, I learned that yielding personal gain for the sake of freedom for someone else is a far greater deed than whatever avenue could be taken in selfish endeavor. The stabbing pain of loss eroded as I realized that letting go was the great enabler, and now she is free, as I am, and we cannot be unhappy when we are free.

There are times when, even in a state of true freedom, we do not realize that we are free. We are captivated by demons of worry, by fears which rarely ever manifest, and by the popular culture of society which is paper-thin in depth and meaning.

I am 28 years old and I am leaving. I am going away to Iraq to work as a contracted paramedic for a year for an independent company. I may be gone for two years. When I go, wherever I go, I will be free. My freedom, my liberation, begins with a breath. The breath unlocks a gaze of ever-presence as I see everything around me for the first time, again. Freedom is abound in the multitudinous sensations of existing. I feel gentle breezes, warmth, cold, tingling, relief, pain, and release.

While I am gone, I will use this blog to document my time away. I want to stay close to you all as I am away, and this is perhaps the most healing way for me to do so.

Did you know that all I have ever truly wanted to do is be a writer? I became a firefighter in part because of childhood desire (thanks, uncle) but also because of the absolute deluge of experiences which would be at my disposal when I finally put ink to paper. I did not account for the rupturous amounts of growth that would ensue as I worked as a firefighter, an EMT, and a paramedic during those years. In that time I bore witness to raw human emotion, loss, depravity, hope, and fellowship. I have met the very best and the very worst of people in my time as a firefighter and paramedic.

I will write, I will be safe, and I will keep in touch. Likewise, you may keep in touch with me on Facebook, Twitter, or here. I plan to update regularly. (Don't I always plan to?)

Namaste,
Dustin