Tear Down the Hull.

We all seek something different. Something compels us, every morning, to get out of bed and go forth. Away from the warmth, security and certainty of the bed and into a vast and colder unknown. There is an innate hunger within is us all, something which may be satiated in a moment but never quite conquered. For me, that hunger is for what dwells deep within all of us.

I want to meet new people, and talk with them, until we tear down the hull of their exterior and expose what is raw, beating and vulnerable within. When the hull is gone, the real conversation begins. What is it that makes your heart beat? What makes you persist in perpetual effort in this life? These are the things I am hungry to know. I am a sponge for these things; ready to soak them up at a moment's notice.

On more than one occasion, people have expressed pleasure in talking with me. We could talk about the weather, or your child's photos, or the latest Ford coupe, but there's something more, and we'd much rather talk about that. The good stuff. It's the stuff that makes us think, read and write. It is the depth to our very existence. This is what I constantly yearn for. Discussion of passion, humanity, belief and spirituality. We are all different in this way, with a universe existing within, ready to get out. If only someone was there to tear down the hull, disarm the destroyer.

I am seeking what is real. I am the person who prefers the ugly truth to the beautiful lie. Give me the gruesome content over the beautiful empty substance. When I speak to you, I want to know you -- the real you. So we can talk about the weather, and animals, and whatever perfunctory subject matter seems comfortable. But know it won't last. Know that I am always pushing in the direction of depth; the content within us.

One Month Veteran.

I've been here for a month. If I don't write much about my experiences, it's because this job is much like the fire department job before it: prolonged period of boredom and monotony punctuated intermittently by moments of surprise/terror. Not so much terror. Nope, never been terrified. Ok, mainly monotony.

Every day I wake up, I go for a run or a walk, read/meditate, eat breakfast, go to work (where I find myself reading or watching TED talks), go to lunch, close the clinic, go to the gym, shower, eat dinner, and unwind - much like I am doing right now. Now multiply this day by six and you have my work week. Sundays I am off, so that just leaves more time for the gym, the MWR, books or movies. Luckily online college courses start soon, which is a great reminder that this year spent in Iraq isn't for naught. There is no way I would have been able to manage attending college in the states, where I worked two jobs and had little time for much else.

One month down and two more to go until I go on leave. I'm going to explore some centuries-old Buddhist temples and ruins in southeastern Asia. Pretty exciting! I'll take as many pictures as I can remember to, though admittedly I am the world's worst at doing so.

Next week there is a 5k run on base, and I'm running in it. It's a good thing to break the monotony and spread kinship. Nothing else new to report of significance, so I'll sling some ephemera:

-Right knee never hurts now, even as I increase running mileage.
-So much chlorine in the water on base. I put lotion on 5-6 times a day and my hands/knuckles still feel like sandpaper. Anyone need me to sand a car before they prime/paint it? I'd be of great service for that the moment.
-Incidentally I've learned a good deal of central British slang recently thanks to the British security guards. Gleaming.

I probably didn't use 'gleaming' correctly just now. Over and out.

It's All About Momentum.

Man has labored mentally to a great extent on what makes us happy, what makes us sad, and how these ends of the spectrum are sustained. I have only ever lived as myself, but in observing my life I would say a life of happiness or sadness is very much dependent on momentum.

Going into this, it must be acknowledged that I try not to let external factors sway me. External factors are going to happen regardless of my efforts, so I put emphasis on the things I can control, such as how I interpret reality, deliberating greatly before passing judgment, and adherence to personal ethics. If my car breaks down or my cat becomes ill or my girlfriend cheats on me, I will employ as much emotional intelligence as I possess to handle the situation. As I have established in entries prior, I am the gatekeeper to my own emotions. Nothing and no one can upset me except me.

Back to momentum: I have observed in my adult life that my mood is effortless when it is tethered to good habits. The habits which I consider good are: reading, writing, running, stretching, and meditation. If I find the time to commit to all of these things in one day, I do not ever recall being in a bad mood. My bad mood tends to stem for adoption of poor habits: drinking in excess, being negative, disregard for my good habits, eating poorly. The main contributor is when I neglect to fulfill good habits. 

When you commit to good habits and repeat this for days, weeks, months, you build a certain momentum and these acts become part of your character. I become known as the guy who likes to run and read. Regardless of what you decide upon, I would make a list of your good, meaningful habits and perhaps create a schedule that you rigidly stick to so that you may experience a perpetual good mood as well. If you encounter a slump, a good slump-buster is to learn something new, or engage in a new hobby. For me, a new book always does the trick.

In conclusion, it is very simple to live well and reside with happiness. Observe the small and nuanced charms that life affords you. This site right here is especially good at reminding us about the small pleasantries in our existence we should be grateful for. Do not interpret reality as inherently bad, because that will lead to negative momentum, and it is all too easy to become a negative person. Interpret with positivity, as it yields an abundance of energy, a zest for living.

How I'm Doing.

Hello again to my modest viewership. To those who frequent my blog, this is going to be the best place to keep up with how I'm doing and what I'm doing.

Today began as most days do: very hot and with no relief by means of clouds or a breeze. As the afternoon has set in, amicable clouds rolled over camp and we received brief but welcome showers and a drop in the temperature. The extremely sparse plant life on base seems happy for the reprieve from oppressive heat; as am I.

On my wrist I wear a Casio G-Shock digital watch, given to me by my best friend Tony Messer perhaps two years ago. I can't help but consider all of the places it has already seen, and how incredibly durable it has been throughout these experiences; much like the friendship Tony and I possess. Everyone deserves at least one friend that understands them on a deeply spiritual level, so as to bring meaning to all of the experiences life affords us, and for me, Tony is that friend.

Also on my left wrist is the easily recognizable Livestrong bracelet, yellow in color. This was given to me by my new co-worker, Cindy Pruschki, who is the embodiment of living strong. She is closer to 60 than 50 and lives with so much vigor. She's an enduring spirit and works hard every day. She is showing me positive affirmation that we can live with intensity well into life. 

I began wearing the Livestrong bracelet Monday of last week, which is also when I vowed to integrate running into my life not as a habit, but a deep integration to the point where it is as natural as drinking water or getting plenty of rest. This past week I ran six days in a row, with today as my recovery day. I logged 18 miles which is modest, but a good start after considerable hiatus. My right knee has yet to scowl at me for reintroducing it to running. I'm going to attribute this to a rigid adherence to knee rehabilitation consisting of cycling extensively, quad strenghtening through weight training, and performing quad sets all throughout the day -- essentially any time I am standing I do them.

On my right wrist is a set of rosewood mala beads I acquired at Kamakura, Japan near Buddhist temples which I explored with former girlfriend and lifelong friend, Kimlee Davis. For a year and half this bracelet endured sweat, dirt, and showers while maintaining their rosewood smell. It has since languished in the olfactory department but is nonetheless a meaningful possession to me. I wear it daily and covet it as a reminder to return to the present moment and recount my great fortune in this charming life.

Though I am limited in what I can do here in Iraq, I find myself content to not do very much. As I have learned in the past, keeping good habits sustains happiness. Right action and right intention beget a true sense of joy which has staying power. For me it is not all that complicated; if I can read, write and run, I feel great. I have not been incredibly social since arrival to coastal Iraq, but I embrace my introversion and consider it a necessary asset to an aspiring writer.

I finished reading "The Art if Living" by Epictetus and would recommend this book to anyone who seeks meaning in their life and wants to enrich their character. It is a short and fairly noncommittal read, chunked into short, sometimes paragraph-long lessons which serve as sub-chapters. The translation by Sharon Lebell is succinct and without heady concepts. Easily digestible.

Moving on from Epictetus, I began reading a familiar author, one of my favorites. Haruki Murakami's "What I Talk About When I Talk About Running" is a bit of a running memoir. One third of the way through this book, it is an easy and endearing read because of just how well Haruki Murakami writes. His style is honest and inviting, as if you feel at ease processing his most intimate thoughts. I first appreciated Haruki Murakami when I read his iconic work "Norwegian Wood" which became so incredibly viral in Japan and world-wide that he had to flee Japan for several decades to escape the hysteria. Murakami is an introvert as well and the attention he received brought on a certain amount of anxiety. In advance I would recommend this book on running if you have or ever had a passion for it. He vocalizes some thoughts which surely many runners have had.

The food here is better than expected, but unfortunately it is highly processed and repetitive at this small base. As a rule I tend to shy away from the meat as there have been several instances of upset stomach on base already in just my first week here. I adhere to a diet plentiful in fruits and vegetables, eating legumes and seeds when available. So far this works well in tandem with my approach to running. I feel very good most of the time, and have noticed this pseudo-vegetarian diet does not induce the same sort of post-lunch lull that I would experience after a heavier lunch.

Facebook has been a contentious subject for me in the past because I have believed that it can bring out the worst in people. People often say things to others on Facebook which they may not say in person. I have since removed many people from my friend list and edited account settings to purge most of the negativity and cattiness. Ever since I have arrived in Iraq, Facebook has become a valuable commodity for staying in touch with people back home. Some good friends have been sending me music suggestions and I'm very happy with what I've been listening to so far. I'd be more than happy to share these newfound musical artists with anyone.

In summation, how I'm doing is good to great. This is silly to say though, because in one day we all experience to many emotions. But the most abundant emotion for me is happiness, thankfulness that I have the opportunity to live such an eventful life. I've met many Iraqi, Nepalese and Ugandan people and they are a joy to talk to. Their appreciation for very basic things is infectious, I must say.

I hope all is well stateside for my friends and family. One thing I have found in being here is that there is not much stress on a daily basis. There is simply nothing here to stress over. In the states we are embattled all the time with stressors from various sources, and it can be hard to manage. I hope to learn a lesson on how to reduce unnecessary stressors with my new setting. Perhaps this is something I can bring back home with me when I am done here.

Namaste.

American Aging & Mortality.

The first thing you should know about this entry is that I am 28 years old, and as such I will be writing from the perspective of a 28 year old American male. 

Of the numerous concepts which do not make sense to me, perhaps chief among them is the Western aversion to death and aging. What do death and aging have in common? The answer is: they are both inevitable. At this juncture in our evolution, we have not found a means of staving off the effects of aging up to and including death. We have made heroic leaps in the prevention of illnesses which were once the kiss of death such as diabetes, the plague, and even influenza. 

Heroics aside, we have not found the magic bullet that would terminate the possibility of death. What's more, one school of thought isn't in any real hurry to find a means of it. (to lump one side of the world grossly: Eastern philosophy) Yet we find in Western culture this generalized revile of aging and death, when in reality these can be perceived as truly beneficial components of being alive.

First I will address aging. In the beginning I wrote that I am 28 years old. To this point I have been an avid runner, I have spent many years a vegetarian - and many not - but by and large I have tried to live well. Given my exposure to plentiful Eastern philosophy readings, I can tell you that I've decided to live well, not to prolong the occurrence of death, but to simply make my time alive more enjoyable. To age better, perhaps. I acquiesce to aging and death, as we all should (for it is inevitable), but I do not acquiesce to being torn apart by the rigors of time. Some aches and pains are doubtless inevitable, but this is by no means a rigid rule. I have found many examples of aging well in my time so far.

To expand upon the premise of aging well, I also speak of aging well mentally and spiritually. To make this lesson absurdly simple, I would say less time should be spent watching TV and more time should be spent reading meaningful books. I do not want to seem condescending in recommending this, it is just that I have found life easier to understand through reading various books (especially philosophical efforts). I am beginning to realize that the torment of my early 20s has given rise to a feeling of peace and understanding in my later 20s. It used to be that when I learned new, perception-altering lessons through reading, I would despair that the rest of the world simply did not understand. Now, I know it is incumbent upon me to try my very best to bring out the best in those around me and bring meaning to every day life. And at the end of the day, if my efforts have failed, well, I offer a quote from General Patton: "If man has given his best effort, what else is there?"

Second, dying. We must all die. Does that seem grim to read? In Buddhist writings there is a certain peace accompanying death, because it terminates the cycle of suffering. We have an allotted amount of time to be alive (how much time is hard to say), and in that time we should derive as much meaning and virtue from life as we can. Within the parentheses of being alive, may you eventually find that money and status are only filler and do not give worth to what is within the parenthetical context of this life. As I liken birth to the open parenthesis, I liken death to the closed parenthesis. Here is why: without death, it is very hard to put value into a life lived, just as it would be difficult to interpret a parenthetical statement which has no ending parenthesis. Organically we know this to be true, and that is why a person's death summons family and friends to the graveside where we all process the worth of the individual as applied to each of our individual lives.

Death is part of what gives this beautiful life meaning. If we were to carry on living, we would have difficulty realizing the preciousness of simply breathing, of smiling, of being alive! So you see (or perhaps you still fear death and you don't see) how death is actually very beautiful. When I die, I would hope that my body is so tired from all its meaningful use that death will simply be welcome, that the closed parenthesis will allocate some sense of worth and meaning to these efforts I have exerted over the course of my life.

If you have never read books containing Eastern philosophy, I would recommend it. There is little sense living in paranoia of death, which is a certainty for all of us.

I finish this post as a 28 year old male, who is trying to age as well as he can, so that I may live meaningfully for myself and for others. There is still so much I don't know and so many aches and pains I have surely never experienced, but I do know that I don't fear death, and I embrace my inevitable aging.

Stone Lasso.

Preface to this blog: Google has decided not to translate my blogger page from Arabic to English, so this may end up being a great big mess.

Update: it just translated, yay technology!

Since I arrived at Umm Qasr I have collected a smooth stone from the gravel walkways all around base for each day I am here. If all goes according to plan, I will have 30 stones in my possession, each with a date affixed to them by my green sharpie. In addition I write a word or two on each stone which chronicles a significant event of each day spent here. 

I do this for two, nay, three reasons.

1) With a memory affixed to each stone, it will make my time spent here easier to recall one day down the road, should I be able to tolerate lugging around a bag filled with stones. Who knows when this will end?  Perhaps I am setting myself up for turmoil and I simply won't be able to part with these memory stones. Perhaps I will. Non-attachment exercise.

2) The stone for the current day is placed in my pocket for the entirety of the day. The stone is large, and takes up enough pocket real estate that I am always aware of its presence in my pocket. When I am aware of the stone in my pocket, it acts as a lasso to corral my mind back to the present moment, instead of fretting wildly about the array of things which may or may not happen to me.

3) What else am I going to do? I have nothing but time over here, so I may as well do something, even if it is just collecting, washing, and scribing upon stones.

One day I'm going to have a lot of stones to contend with. I have a weight limit to stay under when I am transported via helicopter from base to base, so this ultimately poses an issue to me. 

But hey, that's Buddhism. There are challenges down the road, and I will address them properly when they get here. But for now, I have stones.

A Spot of Bother.

Let's take a step away from the every day to consider a couple of thoughts. Perhaps you are aware of these lessons already, but theory and implementation are two entirely different beasts.

The first lesson: events which occur throughout the day do not inherently harm us. It is our perception and consideration of these events which harms us. We, then, are the gatekeepers of our own joys and pains, highs and lows. The world does not exist as a vexation machine here to beat you down. The world could care less how you regard it. It is your reality to perceive, and if you perceive reality as threatening, then you will live angry and afraid.

The next time someone raises their voice at you, makes a threatening gesture, or is disingenuous to you, remind yourself that you are the gate keeper to your feelings. You are not powerless in these situations; just the opposite. You have every bit of power to remain calm, stoic, in the face of confrontation with reality.

Once this lesson has been learned and implemented, you can take it a step further.

The second lesson: as mentioned above, when you think someone is irritating you, it is up to you to construct a response to this irritation. No one can, in and of themselves, irritate you. Only your response to someone's actions can irritate you. Therefore, only you can irritate you. I hope you follow this, because it helps in understanding the point of the second lesson.

When you understand that only you can bother yourself, and no one else, you realize that blaming the world around you or the people in it for your misfortunes is entirely infantile. It is no one's fault but your own when you are winning, losing or stagnating. To cast blame is to display your own weakness, your lack of ability to absorb reality as it really is. It is your inability to be the gatekeeper of your own responses to the stimuli of the world around you.

In summation, lesson one: only you can bother you - no one else can. Lesson two: knowing that only you can bother you, realize that blaming external factors such as the world or people in it is entirely childish.

To understand these concepts is fairly easy, but implementing them requires a lifetime of commitment. And what for? Why, to be a better human being to those around you. If you do not like the world in its present state, with its rampant greed, consumerism, and its deceptiveness in politics, then it is up to us on an individual level to educate. We must make each other better so that the whole may become better. You as a single person are remarkable and endowed with the ability to leave a positive mark on those around you. Wisdom is communicable, so let it be.

Why Am I Here?

I wake up this morning and I stretch. I read the news, I brush my teeth and I drink some water. I drink a caffeinated drink and I check the usual webpages on the internet which I would typically peruse. I throw on some music and it makes me happy. I eventually grow restless of sitting here, even with the music. So I get up and I get out.

I step outside and I know it is easily above 100 degrees and humid. Where am I? I re-orient. I am in Iraq. But why? Why am I here? Is this what I wanted?

The above internal dialogue could be perceived as despair to an extent. Perhaps there is a tinge of despair, but in truth, this is a self-effacing interrogation meant to check my motives, check my vector, and re-align as needed.

Now I answer the questions. I am in Iraq, I'm very far away from family and friends or anyone with any amount of affection for me whatsoever. I am here because I was tired of my routine, and I was ready for a new adventure. I was seeking a way to fund college. And yes, as it turns out, I did want this.

For something that was so protracted and deliberate in its manifestation, this deployment has afforded me with its share of ambiguity. I have assessed and re-assessed the decision to go through with this deployment, and in summation I am happy that I did it. There are things I miss incredibly even after only 20 days of being in Iraq, but when I assess the vector of my path into the future, I am content.

It is important to check your motives and re-check them. In this process of checking my motives, I have questioned the efficacy of certain actions. Is what I am doing fulfilling spiritually, mentally, physically, or none of the above? When I worked 100+ hours a week, why did I do so? For status, money, experience, or something else? The truth of the matter is, working so much was never a worthwhile endeavor. If you strain so hard for money or status, you will end the day as hungry as you started, and never satiated. If your efforts are rooted in understanding reality, or understanding yourself and those around you, great fulfillment can be achieved.

So I apply this logic to my current endeavor. This year in Iraq is to serve as a sabbatical of sorts. Yes, I will be working, but I will also be reading and writing, and enrolling in a master's program for creative writing. Though I have an amalgam of interests which shift shape throughout the years, writing books remains a persistent interest.

Spiritual growth and rational growth have been the underpinnings of most of my efforts as an adult. I am unsure of when I adopted this mindset, but I have reason to believe reading books has had much to do with it. I am not a special person in this regard; I am merely a product of my experiences so far in life. Is spiritual growth something which you value?

If it is, it is important to cut through the mental fog of your preoccupations. Working incessantly, staying intoxicated, always distracting yourself with entertainment, these all furlough growth. In some respects they are necessary, as is play in general. Play cannot be overstated, in truth. It is a facet of life that many people seem to abandon as adults.

A certain restlessness of the soul must be present to march forth, unyielding, as you pursue knowledge and spirituality and ultimately engage in the pursuit to truly know yourself. This restlessness has been beneficial to me, even if at times it has left me morose and angry at the world for the things I have learned. The fairy tales of my childhood have vanished but in their stead I find the beauty of life as it is. The sound of laughter, the shining sun, the intellect of so many great men and women as spilled ink on the books I read. The efforts of the human spirit and of nature are all around, affording their majesty to us at all times. This is magic which parallels the fairy tales of my childhood. With the sadness of reality comes the beauty of reality, in time. 

Feeling Worse, Getting Better.

I am still reading "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, while simultaneously entertaining two other books. I've found a great deal of information to consider since I cracked the book a little over a week ago.

I want to talk about personal improvements. It seems people, by and large, have a fairly concrete understanding of what it takes to improve oneself in a physical capacity. The individual exerts a healthy level of stress unto oneself in the form of weight training, cardiovascular training, or some other hybrid involving one or both. The resulting product is a body stressed beyond a "all systems OK" status. Truly, weight training is nothing more than ripping muscle fiber, and nourishing it so that it may repair and become stronger.

Consider, however, the mental aspect. Does this theory of inducing healthy stress and allowing some form of repair apply? Scott Peck (Ph. D in psychotherapy) seems to believe so.

It can become challenging to differentiate accomplishment from what is biologically commonplace. Scott Peck uses falling in love as an example. There is no inherent exertion required to fall in love. All of the necessary chemicals are latent within us to simply experience the phenomenon of falling in love without any cognitive effort required on our behalf to do so. In no way are we extending ourselves mentally or emotionally beyond our perceived limitations.

This isn't to downplay the majesty of the experience, but simply to say that falling in love is not in itself an incredibly noble endeavor. Wonderful, yes, but not exceptional in the sense of making an effort to better oneself.

We grow mentally and emotionally when we mindfully push the parameters of our minds outward. Consider the days in which you are not feeling particularly loving, or accepting, of the world around you. This is show time. This is the time when the boundaries can be pushed. We are not simply at the whim of our minds. Just because we feel the impulse of callousness, does not mean we must carry on in this way. True growth will occur if you can work against this feeling and attempt to love or understand despite your present disposition.


Think of it as exercise for the mind. In order to get better, we must feel worse. We must make a true effort - the equivalent of running miles - mentally. To become wiser and more understanding of the world around you, this means erasing the lines of demarcation within your mind. When you say, "I am not a pickles person," you are boxing only yourself in. It may feel protective but it is only a disservice to your personal growth. (I realize pickles is a very pedantic example of this.)

Today, try pickles, even if begrudgingly. There is a popular saying, "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything." This, again, is a refuge and safehouse for your mind. It is ultimately a stance which fosters ignorance. Though it is important to establish meaning in your life and forge values, we must have contingencies placed upon these values because life is not a solid state; it is very much fluid and ever-changing.

To be open minded, or to entertain opposing ideas within your own mind is more of a showing of mental strength and limit-pushing than holding fast to a static idea.

Growth requires pain, and this is true physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. True love does exist, but it exists only long after the new love energy subsides, and the chemical neurotransmitters abate to a normal state again. If you can find a way to enjoy his hobbies, or her friends, after the new love energy has faded away, that is an exercise of true love.

True love for oneself and true love for another are one in the same, and they require great mental efforts to achieve.

In summation, enjoy the act of falling in love but realize that there is work to be done when that feeling is gone away. There is no ceiling to our mental, emotional or spiritual capacities unless we self-impose them by drawing lines in the sand and never making the effort to step beyond them. Every time we are feeling bad, it is an opportunity to get better.

When I would have busy nights working on the ambulance on a 24 hour shift, and sleep was scarce, co-workers would say to me, "Ah, it builds character to be up all night!". And in many ways there was a lot of truth to that statement. Continually pushing past the boundaries of what you want to do will ultimately broaden said boundaries.