Why Am I Here?

I wake up this morning and I stretch. I read the news, I brush my teeth and I drink some water. I drink a caffeinated drink and I check the usual webpages on the internet which I would typically peruse. I throw on some music and it makes me happy. I eventually grow restless of sitting here, even with the music. So I get up and I get out.

I step outside and I know it is easily above 100 degrees and humid. Where am I? I re-orient. I am in Iraq. But why? Why am I here? Is this what I wanted?

The above internal dialogue could be perceived as despair to an extent. Perhaps there is a tinge of despair, but in truth, this is a self-effacing interrogation meant to check my motives, check my vector, and re-align as needed.

Now I answer the questions. I am in Iraq, I'm very far away from family and friends or anyone with any amount of affection for me whatsoever. I am here because I was tired of my routine, and I was ready for a new adventure. I was seeking a way to fund college. And yes, as it turns out, I did want this.

For something that was so protracted and deliberate in its manifestation, this deployment has afforded me with its share of ambiguity. I have assessed and re-assessed the decision to go through with this deployment, and in summation I am happy that I did it. There are things I miss incredibly even after only 20 days of being in Iraq, but when I assess the vector of my path into the future, I am content.

It is important to check your motives and re-check them. In this process of checking my motives, I have questioned the efficacy of certain actions. Is what I am doing fulfilling spiritually, mentally, physically, or none of the above? When I worked 100+ hours a week, why did I do so? For status, money, experience, or something else? The truth of the matter is, working so much was never a worthwhile endeavor. If you strain so hard for money or status, you will end the day as hungry as you started, and never satiated. If your efforts are rooted in understanding reality, or understanding yourself and those around you, great fulfillment can be achieved.

So I apply this logic to my current endeavor. This year in Iraq is to serve as a sabbatical of sorts. Yes, I will be working, but I will also be reading and writing, and enrolling in a master's program for creative writing. Though I have an amalgam of interests which shift shape throughout the years, writing books remains a persistent interest.

Spiritual growth and rational growth have been the underpinnings of most of my efforts as an adult. I am unsure of when I adopted this mindset, but I have reason to believe reading books has had much to do with it. I am not a special person in this regard; I am merely a product of my experiences so far in life. Is spiritual growth something which you value?

If it is, it is important to cut through the mental fog of your preoccupations. Working incessantly, staying intoxicated, always distracting yourself with entertainment, these all furlough growth. In some respects they are necessary, as is play in general. Play cannot be overstated, in truth. It is a facet of life that many people seem to abandon as adults.

A certain restlessness of the soul must be present to march forth, unyielding, as you pursue knowledge and spirituality and ultimately engage in the pursuit to truly know yourself. This restlessness has been beneficial to me, even if at times it has left me morose and angry at the world for the things I have learned. The fairy tales of my childhood have vanished but in their stead I find the beauty of life as it is. The sound of laughter, the shining sun, the intellect of so many great men and women as spilled ink on the books I read. The efforts of the human spirit and of nature are all around, affording their majesty to us at all times. This is magic which parallels the fairy tales of my childhood. With the sadness of reality comes the beauty of reality, in time.