Resolutions Are Bullshit.

After I watched Fight Club for the first time, several realizations occurred. The first was that I wanted to be like Tyler Durden; I wanted to give the middle finger to conventionality; I wanted to be free at any juncture. I'm not there yet. Yet.

The second realization was that I wanted Brad Pitt's body, circa Fight Club. Or hell, circa Snatch - that would be fine too.

At some point in my 20s I sold myself the lie that I was a runner, and a runner only. That's all I had ever been, and I had a knack for being that rare breed of runner that didn't get injured. The problem with this lie was this: in acquiescing that I was a runner, I ruled out the possibility that I could be strong. I've always been thin, so I reasoned that I had to fall in line with the lie: I'm thin, so I must be a runner. I'm thin, so I can't be strong.

New Year's Resolutions are bullshit.

You've heard the wise cracks in the past about the resolutioner who gets the gym membership and then fades out from the routine two to three months into the new year. It's not just the gym stuff - it's most resolutions. Resolutions are bullshit.

Why wait 365 days to make yourself better?

It's not human nature to force a radical change upon yourself on a set day and hope to stick to it.

1 January is just another day, not unlike 18 April. Or 20 September.

Each day provides the same foothold; the same opportunity to get better.

Getting older isn't license to give up. It's license to get better.

So get better.

Change occurs when you get sick of something. Remember that shitty relationship? When you finally had enough of it, you got out of it. Or maybe you're in one now and want to get out, and if that feeling stays, you will, eventually. 

Everyone has a bullshit threshold. People pore over the idea of changing but given enough inflammation toward any given thing, change will occur. It's a law of human nature.

So when you're ready to make the radical change - surprise! - you will. Sometimes time doesn't move as fast as you want it to.

I sold myself the lie that I couldn't be strong. Now I can squat 300 pounds. I can deadlift 425 pounds. It's not revolutionary, and it's not a generational feat. But for me, given where I was, it's unprecedented.

This is me around this time last year in Baghdad. I even posted this pic before on this blog to show my strength training "progress".

Skinny guy. I began barbell training. Over the past year I've clung to barbells and the four big lifts. No preacher curls, lat pulldowns, tricep extensions. Just the big lifts. Get stronger and your body will reflect that, was the mantra.

This is me now.

The change didn't occur because of some gimmicky diet pill, fad diet, or ephemeral workout plan. The change occurred because I was ready for it. The change occurred because I'm a stubborn son of a bitch. I don't need to wait for others to motivate me. I can go out and get it myself.

It was a matter of putting in the work. Deadlifts, dips, pullups, burpees, pushups, planks, squats, press, bench press, clean & jerk, bent barbell rows. I still run, but when I run, I run fast. I sprint. I don't do long slow duration. I did that for 15 years with little to show for it.

When I want cardio I lift faster. Deadlifts, drop the barbell and move immediately into burpees. Squats, move immediately into pullups and dips. Simple, hard work.

So when you're ready, when you really believe the change is necessary, you'll make it. But you can't manufacture the resolve on a given day. 1 January is sabotage.

I don't have Brad Pitt's body yet. But I will. What I once felt was an unobtainable pipe dream is tangible now. Even as I age, it's tangible.

I'm not sold on the lie that I'm a runner, that I can't be strong.

What lies are you selling to yourself?

You can be those pictures you look at.

You can learn that unlearnable thing.

You can languish or you can thrive. That's the choice you have to make in every moment.

So make it.

Do Not Go Gently.

If this reaches you, you're a friend indeed, and you're on my mind. I'll try and be brief, but I make no promises, and if you know me very well, you know succinct messages are not my strongest suit.

Life is an open ended statement, at your disposal exists a vast spectrum of emotions and perceptions. In the fulminant darkness - call it depression, a funk, a slump - it's easy to lie dormant and defeated. Vigor abandons when you need it most.

And yet I propose that you burn. Nothing dissipates the fog of suffering faster than intensity for living with which we have all been endowed.

When life kicks you in the teeth, wipe the blood from your mouth and grab your footing. And go.

When you hit a wall, take it as a reminder that you should mobilize upward whenever the option presents, instead of lateral. And if the option does not present, look harder. There is always a way out, and you're always tasked with being the pathfinder.

Your battles are yours to fight, and on your own steam you can win. I will always be here to go in with you, when that time comes. My true friends are few, but they are true friends because I know that if I falter and don't recover, if I am one day penniless and smelling terrible, my friends won't stray.

The truth is there are only relative truths, and those truths are attenuated for the moment. What may have been a truth two years ago may be a malevolent falsehood now. Be a student to the game of life, and exceed expectations. Your perceived ceiling is eggshell-thin. Erupt through it and move up a floor. You're never quite done, the effort is innate. Within us all is a latent wellspring of effort and purpose which never runs dry until we've sold ourselves on the lie that it has. 

Nothing is ever over, no, not until you condemn it as such. And even then, make damn sure you can't resuscitate it. If you love it, breathe life into it. If you resolve to leave it, it had better be for something bigger and better.

The truth (relative) is that nothing is ever as daunting as it seems. The marathon in total is imposing, but the process is always one foot before the other. The courage takes place in the first step, the rest is simply maintaining artfully, going forward. Sometimes you're just falling forward to keep it going, and usually that's enough.

Don't reside with dogma. Nothing in life can be nailed down in place forever. The truth is fleeting and in its pursuit a fleet foot is required. If you're content with dogma then you're content with walking among the living dead. You're smarter than that.

Do not go gently. Live with every amount of intensity and livelihood ever afforded to you. Vibrancy is at your disposal until it isn't any more. You can run until you can't, so run while you can. One day you won't be able to. And please do run; some of life's most poignant truths I discovered in running. Running is an accurate portrayal of life itself, with hardship and challenge ever-present, the devil perched atop your shoulder whispering "You've done enough. You can quit now."

Don't fear the job you're offered. Take it and surprise yourself.

If you can travel the world, you probably should. Self discovery awaits. You're going to fall in love with the person you truly are, the self which has gone unrecognized to date.

And for fuck's sake, if you can go see Bassnectar live on New Year's Eve, I don't see a worldly reason good enough for not going. When you're enveloped in the sound, being crushed to death under low frequency pistons, it will all make sense.

Tear down the house and build it anew. One day you will stand before it and realize the wisdom of the endeavor.

Heroics are rooted in the mundane especially. The e-mails, the spreadsheets, the dishes to be washed - they beg to be completed, and completed artfully. Everything in life is an opportunity to express yourself, and artfully so.

Tear yourself down when the murk, the fog, descends upon you. You will outlast the fog. Emerge from the other side on fire with purpose. You are capable, and then beyond the recognized capability, you're more capable.

I've found life in the rare moments where I pushed myself beyond what I thought was possible. I've found life in letting people in, no matter how few they are. I've found life in letting myself hurt, and not trying to evade it. Pain is a master, and a teacher long tenured, establishing office since the beginning of time.

Do not go gently. The most primitive and intimate confession is that we will all die someday. Until that day comes, challenge yourself every day. Your heart never thinks to stop beating, it's not in its nature to do so, and so why should you think to stop giving your best effort? It is a farce to the heart to live meekly.

Until next time.

The World Within You.

Buddhist principle oft-revisited is that there exist two worlds: the externalized world, as well as the world internal. One world exists apart from your lament. Thunder storms will happen on wedding days. Tornados tear houses built by hand over years asunder. Sun wears down car interiors. In Buddhism, the idea is to be at peace within, and then without. First acquiesce to this understanding that nothing can change your inner world unless you let it change. You control the breath, you are ever the gatekeeper of your disposition. Nothing breaks this down except for you. You are the alpha and omega for the unassailable or fragile nature of your being.

And once you have taken hold of this understanding of the intrinsic world, address the outer world. The rainy day did not ruin your Saturday. You let the rainy day ruin your Saturday. The ultimate onus: extreme personal accountability, even of those things which you cannot control.

In Infinite Jest, the head coach of the Enfield Tennis Academy is Gerhardt Schtitt, a german native who is densely and uncompromisingly philosophical, even when his players suffer during A.M. drills. Below is a passage from Schtitt following a grueling A.M. drill during frigid Boston temperatures.

Adjust. Adjust? Stay the same. No? Is not stay the same? Is it cold? Is it wind? Cold and wind is the world. Outside, yes? On the tennis court you the player: this is not where there is cold wind. I am saying. Different world inside. World built inside cold outside world of wind breaks the wind, shelters the player, you, if you stay the same, stay inside. 

What will it be this time that you blame? The cold? The wind? The heat? What will it be? He continues.

Not ever I think this adjusting. To what, this adjusting. This world inside is the same, always, if you stay there. This is what we are making, no? New type citizen. Not of cold and wind outside. Citizens of this sheltering second world we are working to show you every dawn, no? To make your introduction.

This is no simple task if you've ever tried your hand at it. To remain within, to resist the temptation to blame externalized factors. When you are immersed in a culture where so many people do it and claim victory by this means - you need only look so far as the litigation-happy climate of the United States - it is tantalizing to relinquish the inner world and point the finger outwardly.

This second world inside the lines. Yes? Is this adjusting? This is not adjusting. This is not adjusting to ignore cold and wind and tired. Not ignoring “as if.” Is no cold. Is no wind. No cold wind where you occur. No? Not “adjust to conditions.” Make this second world inside the world: here there are no conditions.

Or else leave here into large external world where is cold and pain without purpose or tool, eyelash in eye and pretty girl – not worry anymore about how to occur. 

And so Schtitt addresses the why. Why struggle so hard to maintain the scope of the world within us? The reason becomes obvious once you participate in the outer world. The world where you are helpless to the forces of cold, heartache, eyelashes in the eye and pretty girls to make you falter. If you want to vacillate spinelessly in the world and be subject to the perils of these entities and so many more, then do so. Yet there is always an option to exist within oneself, unswaying and unnerved even when nothing goes right. When all favor has eluded me and I am left only as this flesh hull with but a dull thud emanating from my chest, I am still so much more. I can still be centered, I can still burn with strength. I can still forge my own way, manufacture my own luck and fortune again and again in the future. The world within is an everlasting wellspring of purpose.

Or simply be crushed beneath the weight of what you find to be reality. Still, it is your choice. It is because of this choice that you are human in the first place. Your adherence to this world or that world may be what finally orients you to either greatness or faceless unremarkable ennui.

I made a new playlist on 8tracks. The description of it is within the link, if you'd like to have a listen.

Cosmonaut's Transatlantic Machination

Until next time. 

How Books Become Me

Throughout this life I've read many books. The most memorable books synthesize, unbeknownst to me, and become part of who I am. Books change how I view the world around me and they change how I view myself. Pinnacle moments are those where I set the book aside, gaze idly at the ceiling, and allow myself to acquiesce to the acknowledgement that a book has changed me.

This synthesis is fascinating to me, just as humans are amazing as well. That we can pick up a book, so full of words and effort and sentiment, and assimilate its contents with resultant change in who we are is simply amazing.

Below I've listed some of my favorite books, particular quotes which shook me or at least faintly resonated, and what the quotes mean to me.

"Norwegian Wood" by Haruki Murakami

I've read "Norwegian Wood" three times. I identified with the book almost immediately. The protagonist, Toru Watanabe, is a book-loving introvert; a recurring theme in Murakami's books. It was recently adapted as a movie, but a certain peril became of the movie which is commonplace for film adaptations: pieces were missing. I digress. Quotes.

"Don't feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that." Nagasawa, to Watanabe.

This is not an incredibly profound quote, but it struck me nonetheless. I've never derived merit of any sort from periods of self-pity. An ugly truth in this world is that no one, aside from the small circle of truly intimate friends and family, truly cares for your struggles or purported swan song. The less time spent brooding over your own misfortunes or perceived misfortunes, the better. Far better to foist yourself unto your next effort, and it's always made me feel better to simply start working toward a new goal rather than clamber in the wake of a recently failed goal or relationship.

“But who can say what's best? That's why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.” 

Ever been completely absent in the midst of what should have been a happy moment? Be here now, and fiercely so. If it makes you happy and it won't harm anyone else, then don't think too much about how others will feel about it; enjoy. We're all positioned along this timeline of being alive with no certain grasp of when the timeline ends; the more time spent genuinely enjoying what you love, the better. One less death bed regret.

"Infinite Jest" by David Foster Wallace

Still in the midst of this prodigious literary effort. Still, there are enough quotes I've tripped over that have left their mark. Sometimes I feel like this entire book is one big transcendental quote.

"The truth will set you free, but not before it is finished with you."

Much of David Foster Wallace's literary value comes from his ability to pierce the veneer of casual lament and invade psychic space that you thought was yours, and yours alone. As in DFW has been skulking about your psychic quarters and rest lamplight on the darkest corners. 

This quote reminds me of a scenario where two people are in love, and while one of the lovers is away from home, the other lover is sifting through the closet, until this lover finds the journal of the other lover. The lover knows that reading this journal will hurt - because we all know that the purpose of journals is to house those painful truths which can't live sustainably well in open air - but goes on and reads the damn journal anyway. Predictably the person becomes hurt, even though he/she knew this would be the outcome. The truth is like that: the very best lessons in life bury their stinger deep into adipose tissue and you can't just scrape the damn barb out. It will come out when it's ready. You'll be better and wiser in the end, but not without the requisite amount of suffering enveloping you first.

“That sometimes human beings have to just sit in one place and, like, hurt. That you will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do. That there is such a thing as raw, unalloyed, agendaless kindness. That it is possible to fall asleep during an anxiety attack. That concentrating on anything is very hard work.”

This quote is part of a much larger passage, all of it armed to the teeth with keenly sharpened truth daggers that penetrate the perfunctory psyche that's necessary to trudge through the menial times. I haven't directly experienced the panic attack, but the rest of this is absolute resonant truth. 

"Shantaram" by Gregory David Roberts

I loved Shantaram so much upon completing it (another fairly long read) that I forced it upon many of my friends as a Christmas gift. Hopefully they enjoyed it, those who bothered to read it. Shantaram is really just a book about life, but it takes place in India and pulls no punches, makes no provisions to romanticize the country - yet at the same time these grimey depictions are also what make it that much more endearing.

"I don’t know what frightens me more, the power that crushes us or our endless ability to endure it."

This quote is about mankind's inherent attributes: to exploit, manipulate and oppress the people we should care about, and the ability by those on the receiving end to just endure it, and emerge from the other side of that experience and one day again smile so hard it splits the corners of your mouth, or just laugh so hard you pee yourself just a little - a dignified amount of laughter-induced micturation. This quote has presented it as a truth to me both firsthand and in reading, and it's a microcosm of what it means to be human, to me. The fiercely selfish and evil desire to win out regardless of who it may destroy, and then in turn the ability of humans to just withstand it. Sometimes it all gets stripped away and you're left with nothing but a flesh hull, something beating inside, and your posture. And then the future continues to unfurl before you and things get better, and one day you look in the rearview mirror, appraise that time you were crushed, and think to yourself, "how the hell did I make it through that?"

“Sooner or later, fate puts us together with all the people, one by one, who show us what we could, and shouldn’t, let ourselves become. Sooner or later we meet the drunkard, the waster, the betrayer, the ruthless mind, and the hate-filled heart. But fate loads the dice, of course, because we usually find ourselves loving or pitying almost all of those people. And it’s impossible to despise someone you honestly pity, and to shun someone you truly love. ” 

The best action we can take in beholding the mistakes of those around us is to honor them by not making those same mistakes. And I find it true: you can't hate those you pity. And you can't truly shun someone if you love them, and love is genuine. A flaw is just as much a part of a person's composition as any accomplishment they've ever had.

And now to depart from books and dive into my other favorite subject: music! Random array of music below.

I've played this long a lot recently. After seeing Bassnectar live, I now hear the songs and think to myself "I know what this song feels like." And I smile.

Seven Lions is establishing a musical identity in the darker corners of electronic music. He's making it his style and I'm enjoying it thoroughly.

Digging some Swim Deep recently.

The Weeknd's take on "Odd Look" by Kavinsky is spectacular to me.

Enjoy. And, until next time.

Array of Updates.

When I'm not working or at the gym or running or sleeping, I'm reading. Relegated to a lifestyle recently that borders monastic. Infinite Jest, a behemoth of a novel and David Foster Wallace's magnum opus, has consumed me. Referred to infrequently or perhaps frequently (depending on which dark corners of the internet or the real world you frequent) as the modern day Ulysses, Infinite Jest is accused of being a pretentious read. I can see that.

What started as a clambering effort to get the literary wheels turning now flows freely. I was for a time having to put forth sincere effort to feel anything emotive for the book. This all seemed to evaporate without my knowing perhaps 200 pages in. I acclimated to the voluminous diction DFW employs, and I adapted to the monolithic 500+ word run-on sentences that sometimes outlasted the pages they were written on. Furthermore, character depth can only increase over time when performed artfully, and DFW is nothing if not artful. 

What seems interesting, as I read this book, is this: David Foster Wallace battled addiction and depression throughout his life, as is clearly apparent in this book, but he wrote Infinite Jest during a period of abstinence from substances. This makes sense to me, when I read the abundant clarity in his writing. However, more interestingly, this book DEMANDS that you be sober to read it as well. You simply would not be able to absorb the content elsewise. And so once you are interested in this book, and make it your priority, you would as a result shelf any vice you may have in order to comprehend the text.

Interesting!

I just purchased a chunk of music, the lineup of which pleases me. Have a gander if you want.

Majestic Casual Chapter 1

Until next time.

What You Don't Know About Iraq

It was five AM when I stepped out onto the street in front of my apartment in Atlanta. I was

awaiting a cab I requested by phone to take me to the airport, where I would depart once

again and begin the process of working internationally. When my cab arrived I was greeted

by a radiant gentleman who originally hailed from Somalia. Recent brushes with Africans

have rendered me infinitely curious about the culture of various nationalities within Africa.

Assuredly, I have had mainly positive experiences in the past, and this encounter would

prove no different.

En route to the airport, the conversation with my driver started not unlike most conversations

with complete strangers. He disclosed that he is from Somalia, and then went into detail

about Somalian life, including the ever-present violence that comes with trying to

establish some semblance of a proper government upon a people who previously

weren't accustomed to such an initiative. He went on to describe the tribal conflicts and

bloodshed which still occur in Somalia, to this day. 

Knowing most northern African countries are comprised of Muslims, I asked if

most of Somalia practiced Islam, and my cab driver confirmed that they do. Beyond

that, he went on to explain the black eye that September 11th created for Muslims

worldwide, and how distressed he was at that perception. At this point he was relating

what I already knew: Muslims, by majority, want to live a peaceful and good life.

Truly, they have the same hopes and fears as anyone else in the world. The true

shame occurs when the radical minority becomes globally sensationalized.

What you're left with is a religion now unjustifiably rooted in stigma. If I had to

guess, I would suspect that this stigma will persist for quite some time. Some

wounds simply take decades to heal, and even then it will never be forgotten.

So we arrive at a very familiar place: Iraq. The Iraq you think you know and the Iraq

that exists in reality are really quite disparate. While the violence is ever-present, and

the country has seen more bloodshed this year than in five years prior, there is something

that must be known: these people, by and large, aren't unlike you and I. They are kind,

giving, and they work hard. They are not entitled to the same stipends found in Qatar, Kuwait,

or UAE. Iraq is a struggle perpetually. 

For an idea of the reality of Iraq, please read this link which chronicles the violence

in Iraq, year to date. It's not pretty. It's gruesome, and it's unfathomable. In any one

incident, scores of people are killed, many more injured. Typically the setting is a

public place of high density, such as markets or mosques. 

It should be understood that while the government is making efforts toward democracy

(at least on paper - again, if you read the article you will quickly find that corruption

and sectarian government are causing ongoing issues), certain inexorable differences

are still in place, much as they have been for centuries.

Prior to the death of the Prophet Muhammed in year 632, there was no stark divergence of

Muslim faith. Upon his passing, the Muslim faith bifurcated. The Sunnis believed that

the new torch-bearer should be Abu Bakr, who was Muhammed's adviser prior to his

death. Contrarily, Shiites aligned with Ali, Muhammed's cousin and son-in-law.

The inner turmoil truly manifest in year 656, when the third caliph, exalted by the Sunnis,

was killed. Shortly after, in response, the Sunnis killed Ali's son Husain. This

is an incredibly abridged synopsis that brings us to present day. A fundamental rift between

Sunnis and Shiites as to the proper way to carry on their faith. Yet even before this

divergence, violence has existed in Iraq, essentially since civilization was established. It is

worth mentioning that there have been prolonged periods of empire and prosperity, but

with upheavals and wars always creating a paradigm shift.

Though there is violence, I feel that the worldwide ire (especially from the West) is undue.

It would suffice to regard present day Iraq as a tragedy, but enmity doesn't do anything to

further matters. I'm without answers when I ponder what it will take to finally seals these

old wounds, of course, and I can only naively offer that it's going to take time - a lot of time.

As I mentioned in a blog post last year, Iraqis are genuinely very nice. Quite literally,

they would offer the shirt off their back to you if they saw you needed it. Ingrained in

the five pillars of Islam is zakat - and inherent belief in charity and giving. The belief

underscores a mentality that wealth is a waste unless shared.

If anything, and if you're still reading, I would implore you to exercise due diligence

and research the Muslim faith for what it really is. I'm not a huge fan of religion in

general, but disillusionment about all Muslims being radical and violent would go

a long way to make things better for all of the peaceful Muslims who simply wish to

live well, and to collectively progress.

And just remember: where you're born and what you believe are a matter of chance.

That I was born American was a roll of the dice. Something to consider if you

ever feel compelled to condemn others.

And now for an array of music:

Gramatik - Through The Galaxy

Very chill soundtrack. He just eases you along.

Arctic Monkeys - Arabella

Some nice blues licks near the end.

The Kooks - Tick of Time [+ Bonus Track]

I love the Kooks.

Until next time.

Withhold. Grow.

The inescapable truth of the matter is that reward can sabotage sustained effort. In the deepest abyss

of denial lurks a resonant understanding that withholding from desire promotes growth. This mantra

turns modern Western culture on its head, however. Certainly, the contemporary lament of instant

gratification is a swift departure from the Stoic tenets of Greek and Roman philosophy. To achieve

a cheap and inauthentic victory you will be lauded for your cunning, and yet the Bushido mentality

would be diametrically opposed to this. There is a rift. Spoils are ever-abundant. Discipline is a scarcity.

Strength training in its more advanced stages of theory merges intuitively with the Stoic lament. The

Buddhist practice of monitoring the breath is vital to persistent and outlandish effort during training.

When you read the training results scrawled on the whiteboard, the true shame is that often you can

only fathom the numbers for what they are. An amount of weight lifted a certain number of times on

a particular date by a person weighing this amount. Perhaps you regard the strength to weight ratio

of the person performing these lifts and feel you are harnessing a deeper understanding of the training

session, but you are still only scratching the surface.

The effort is unseen on the whiteboard. The psychological fathoms of pushing through intense discomfort

cannot be measured and the depths cannot be conceptualized or quantified. When a person of galvanized

resolve is pushing through the fifth rep of a heavy back squat while others called it a day at three of four,

you are not privy to the mental mastery at work. Breathless and burning alive, racking the barbell is

the reward. The reward is sabotage. Relief, a farce. The Stoic, the samurai, the disciplined person would

gather their breath, fortify their will, and drop low again, completing another rep, surprising oneself.

Motivational pictures and quotes about training are more abundant than ever. However, just as some

people toil away with posting inspirational quotes and never truly implementing them, many people

idly regard these motivational snippets with some degree of reverence while never thinking to be

honest enough with themselves to put these lessons into practice.

Strength training theory is a microcosm of a much more expansive philosophy of discipline. The

genus of philosophy is unimportant. That you practice Buddhism, Bushido, or Stoicism is unimportant.

That you carry these principles out in earnest and do not sabotage yourself is tantamount.

Apart from the very narrow vector of strength training merged with philosophical discipline, there is

the matter of desire; the matter of the heart. Strength is abolishing want. Wisdom is realizing that

most desires are a mirage. Confidence is found in silence, never condemning another man or extolling

of one's own virtues. (And lo, I write this. Ha.) When reward is withheld, the bounty is growth. Yet

when reward is seized and embraced, an opportunity for something more meaningful eludes you.

The aforementioned philosophical adherences to Stoicism, Bushido, Zen et al. are not new. Truth is

timeless and penetrates the murky coalescing fog of what is popular today. Silence, quiet confidence,

and a mindful approach endure always, even as the allure of these practices dims while society

'advances'. 

There are few absolute truths. There is birth and there is death and some degree of rapture and suffering in between. The rest is subjective, unreliable. Given this uncertain expanse of time to be alive, it seems 

incumbent to me to live with meaning and to pursue growth for its own sake. 

Acquiesce To Ignorance

Today is Sunday and I'm off from work today. Yesterday, I resolved that today would be an off day from the gym as well. However, I had enough idle time to mull this and take stock of the fact that I was not particularly sore, so I fancied a fasting window and stuck to it. I worked out today at noon after a 17 hour fast, performing five sets of squats at five reps - 210# x3, 230#, 240#. I followed that up with weighted chin ups. Five sets at five reps. BW + 25# x 3, BW + 30#, BW + 35#.

Throughout my gym session, music blaring in my headphones, I began to consider my own efforts as well as my own fitness beliefs. If I put the past decade and a half into perspective, my perception of fitness has changed a lot. Has it had anything to do with fitness actually becoming more sophisticated? Or is it that we as humans endeavor tirelessly to overcomplicate our very existence? I pose this question when I consider Arnold Schwarzenegger's routine growing up which was the basic lifts, heavy weight, high reps, offloading weight until failure. Nothing complex. No metabolic conditioning, no intervals, no BCAAs or fasting schedule. 

I then began to consider this tendency to overcomplicate things on a much more grand scale: life itself. For every person toiling away into oblivion you have another example of someone adhering to what they believe to be true. With so many avenues to take toward what we individually consider to be "the truth", it may be easy to feel crushed under the weight of it. How in the universe can I be doing what's right when the whole concept of right is subjective? How can I know the path I'm traveling is the one true way when there are multitudes of ways - and within those multitudes, multitudes - to go about being human?

Yet I don't feel a crushing weight of any kind. There is a time when I may have really considered this acknowledgement with some severity of mind. Now, I can only laugh. Now I can only take solace in my own infinite ignorance. It took me some hard life lessons and many volumes of many books to realize I'm incredibly, irredeemably ignorant. It is to my reckoning that we all are, because as humans there are so many things we cannot fathom. Alas, on a day to day basis, there we are: going about our routines, as if it is all figured out and there's nothing else to consider. In my less aware moments, my less mindful days, I am no different. For that reason, I am unfathomably ignorant.

Unfathomably ignorant. Just as we gaze upon children in their folly and remark to one another as adults, "Ah, they don't even know any better.", I can't help but feel the same for all of us. Why wouldn't that be comforting? We live in a subjective reality that we know none percent of. 

We exist in a city in a country on a continent on a planet in a solar system in a galaxy in a universe housed within a possible multiverse with potentially no concept of what time really is and no scope whatsoever for the borders of existence. Whereas we as humans see the colors around us and can easily presume those to be every color there is to see, the truth is we're equipped with three different types of cone cells prepared to perceive incoming light in three different wavelengths: red, violet, and green. What we cannot fathom, the mantis shrimp readily can: ultraviolet light levels we can't perceive, as well as depths and hues of colors we've never experienced. At every moment we are seeing the world a particular way, but it's not the only way, and it's apparently a dialed-down way.

The point is, we simply don't know. I will never stop trying to educate myself, but if the trends I have encountered remain the same, then I will only discover just how ignorant I am with every new lesson learned. I can embrace this fact. I can covet the fact that I'm fasting, lifting heavy, eating at particular times and hell, it may not even work, and it assuredly doesn't matter. I acquiesce that I'm frenetically pinging about this planet doing irrational things for an undisclosed amount of time until my death and I can accept that it isn't going to change the eventual course of history. I can do all of this and still live with my own ignorant purpose and my own sense of novelty. 

Getting to this point was difficult at times, but now that I am here, I can live unapologetically and I can exalt the very menial aspects of my existence. I can worship scotch and tout deadlifts and never tire of looking at funny cat videos on the internet. Contrarily I can engage myself in challenging literature and experience deeper states of being accompanied by higher thoughts. It is all accessible to me and therefore I'll have a little of everything. Stuck somewhere between "everything in moderation" and "life is a buffet."

Speaking of existence: there is no reason to be alive if you don't do deadlift! Such was the conclusion of Icelandic power lifter Jon Pall Sigmarsson (RIP).

Philosophic blog entry regresses to reiterating the majesty of deadlifts, as displayed by the below graphic. Seriously, do deadlifts.

Click above pic to enlargificate.

This concludes this entry. I will now focus on turning my macbook into an arcade.

H/T to Rob Pugh and his blog content at Relaxed Focus for the deadlift infographic. If you enjoy anything I post you may enjoy his content, so check it out.

Doin' Time.

Working in Iraq means different things to different people. With each person, working in Iraq elicits a truly amorphous opinion which can vary wildly depending on so many things. For all the ink spilled about this country, I doubt few literary efforts have recently spoke of its stability. It goes without saying, then, that unstable locale makes for an unstable life - or does it?

What Iraq meant to me during the months of May and June was captivity. It's a feeling not unfamiliar to anyone who has done as I am doing. I work in captivity, in a very real way. Walls all around. No parks, no concerts, no trails, no winding roads to drive too fast down. Just beige and mauve and mocha hues abound, and within those, more beige and mauve and mocha hues. Lifeless, hot, dire. Inescapable. All of this of my own choosing! I sparred with this all greatly.

I allowed my perception of my Iraqi setting to be a headwind that knocked me down just a little bit more every day. If you're wise and you're reading this, perhaps you've already picked up on where I'm going wrong.

The truth is, I yearned for what I didn't have. I would peruse Facebook and see my friends doing things and I'd want to be there. I'd look at concert schedules at my favorite venues and want to be there. I'd gaze at the stars at night and want to be there. Anywhere but here.

The truth beneath that truth is that life is and always will be what I make of it. Certain non-negotiable factors are in place: I am in Iraq, I am alive. It is up to me to make of it what I will. So while I struggled with the idea that I was doing time in prison with this headwind of burden always knocking me down, the truth is that a headwind turns into a tailwind just as soon as you turn around and have the wind to your back.

So that is what I've done. Now this wind I resented is a wind that propels me. I am here, and I can't change that. Yet, I am HERE! I have been allotted this time, with which I can do a lot of very worthwhile things. I can read as many books as I'd like, because I have time to do these things. I don't have parks or concerts or trails or winding roads to take up my time. I can get in the best shape of my life. I can write in this blog and I can write in general - something I've always yearned to do but always found reasons why I couldn't.

I understand that to be human means to adapt quickly and to adapt quickly means there is a latent capacity to take things for granted. True, we can take anything for granted, given prolonged exposure to it. This remains true whether I am in Iraq or I am at home or I am traveling the world. 

The "grass is greener" perspective is an easy one to fall into when you're not employing some modicum of wisdom or mindfulness. The truth is, at this very moment in my life, with myriad considerations for how I want things to be in the future (I won't bore you with the extensive details), this is where I need to be. On many levels, it makes sense, and in many ways, it will present me with a foothold to change the course of the rest of my life.

There, that isn't so bad.

Tension of Opposites - On Loop

The month of July was spent traveling here and there, highlighted by engaging conversation with old friends and the intoxicating thrill of discovering the like minds of new friends. With my old friends, one topic continued to avail itself as a worthwhile talking point, and although we did not declare it as such at the time, the topic hovered in close proximity to the "tension of opposites" theory contained in the book Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom.*

The tension of opposites theory is stated thusly, within the aforementioned novel:

"Have I told you about the tension of opposites?" [Morrie] says.
The tension of opposites?
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.
"A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.
"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way.

Someone has probably called life a beautiful struggle before - yet maybe not as poignantly as Mitch Albom did in Tuesdays With Morrie - and to this point in my own life, it's always been true. My mind is here and there but mostly it resides somewhere in between. Below are some examples of this:

Gripping with force gives way to grasping with nuanced understanding.

Resenting everything unlike yourself only to later embrace the strange.

Becoming completely at peace with a situation in which you once found yourself restless.

Days of isolation with only books and music invariably leads to memorable social outings.

Typically it isn't so apparent. There is an absolute ebb and flow to being alive. Some days are better than others. You can fret for the fact that bad times will visit you again or you can take solace in the fact that this, too, shall pass. Fully enjoy those moments of high command and momentary mastery but try to acquiesce to future events of unknowing and ignorance. 

Being human means being ineffable - capable of anything within the broad spectrum of experience. While we slowly play out this montage, we can't elude suffering indefinitely just as we can't apprehend pleasure permanently. To the best of my understanding at this point in life, the very best we can do is understand that we're locked in the beautiful struggle and employ this wisdom as frequently as possible. It is, after all, reassuring indeed to know that the bad times don't last. Likewise, acknowledging that you are in the midst of a very good moment will make it that much more valuable when you fully understand that it can't and won't last.

Alan Watts alludes to life being a game in The Book. I can't disagree, because there are inherent rules. Adhere to them or don't. I've found myself thriving when I treat life like a game and play it well. I'm not the main character nor am I ever continually a protagonist. I'm a player in the game and at any given time I may be any given thing. I'm incomplete, I'm always learning, and that won't ever stop. The moments in which I do feel complete are ephemeral, intoxicating, but finally misleading.

For now, the pendulum will continue to swing, ranging from darkness to light and back again. It will go on and on and on until it doesn't anymore. I can only resolve to appreciate the struggle for what it is, and understand it all with some semblance of grace.

* If you truly haven't read Tuesdays with Morrie, then I think you should. But then, what do I know?

Volitional Languishing

1. vo·li·tion  
   /vəˈliSHən/

   Noun The faculty or power of using one's will.

   Synonyms will - wish - desire - pleasure

1. lan·guish  
   /ˈlaNGgwiSH/

   Verb (of a person or other living thing) Lose or lack vitality; grow weak. Fail to make progress or be successful.

   Synonyms pine - fade - wither - droop - flag

When you put an animal in zoo, give it a steady stream of food without the necessity of exercise, three things happen:

1. It goes nuts.

2. It stops reproducing.

3. It gets fat.

  In a way, it might be nature’s way of making sure that animal doesn’t live on. Well, we’re in the zoo and since there aren’t any bars, we just don’t know it. But we do know all three problems are starting to plague us. Just sit in an airport for a few hours and “people watch” to see just how shallow the gene pool is actually getting.

 The above quote is from this article which is worth the read, in my opinion. It quickly strays from the previous lament and instead goes on about barefoot training and how it can reduce injury.

The point remains intact. As we have modernized collectively (speaking primarily of industrialized societies) we have abandoned the need to adapt to our environment. Darwin's theory is turned on its head in the face of recent breakthroughs in science and medicine.

Our present culture is at once indicative of the capacity of our big brains while also showing how these breakthroughs can give rise to a self-imposed blight. A degradation of the median person, or as it has been coined before, a de-evolution of man unfolds before us. Although I have given examples of our physical decline, it can be observed anecdotally or through evidence that intelligence, as well, is in decline. Although unfortunate, it may not be all that surprising. Consider the poorer diet and more sedentary nature of modern Western culture. Further, it's not only that we are sedentary, but a large portion of Americans don't spend their sedentary time wisely. It isn't as if they are reading a thought-provoking book or writing. Instead most Americans are watching television which is typically not educational.

The surreptitious beauty of the movie Idiocracy was its comedic foreshadowing of the future. Suffice to say, mankind hopefully won't turn out exactly as depicted in Idiocracy, but after watching that movie I could only shake my head knowing it was at least marginally indicative of the future.

There is always hope and forever there will be hope for us. We're not irretrievably enfeebled by our own devices (although I struggle to convince myself of this at times) and it is an indication of our superb nature as human beings that the first thing to collectively cripple us would be the conditions of our own making. So it stands that we must answer to us.

Accountability on an individual basis accumulates into a communal effort which resonates as a regional effort and so on. If the impetus shifts from instant gratification and making things easier to, say, finding reward in worthwhile efforts with our physical and mental endeavors, we may all find ourselves in a better place after all.

Further, this could simply be part of the collective ebb and flow or our species. We wax and we wane. So if we are indeed waning presently, perhaps better times are ahead with regard to our physical and mental prowess. Yet I don't want you to feel at ease with how I phrased it, because this eventual rise from the doldrums isn't going to occur on its own. It will require continual effort, and even then it should be understood that you are doing this for the process of doing it and not because of the endgame it entails. If you seek to do something only to reach its end, you won't make it to that end, because the reward is a fleeting feeling. It is the ever-present acknowledge of well-being and bettering oneself that will keep you aloft in your pursuits.

All I know for sure is that I don't want this trend toward a future maligned by obesity and ignorance to send us into oblivion. This isn't the way I want us all to go out, not at all. It is a very anticlimactic end to what has so far been an interesting human journey so far. Let our end involve a super-meteor, or defending all that we love from aliens, zombies, or dinosaurs. But not from our own sloth and listless preoccupation with reality television. Please not that.

If we eat and sit ourselves into oblivion, it will be a damn shame. We are big-brained, innately sinewy creatures. We are capable of running fast, lifting heavy, and splitting the atom. We can do all this and more. Every day we are hearing news of yet another barrier being broken down, and if that isn't worth living for, I don't know what is. What I do know, dear reader, is that our current culture isn't living.