The Fault In Our Stars

So, after putting this book off for about a month, I cracked into it a week ago and have chipped away ever since when work allows. The book is "The Fault In Our Stars" by John Green, and I already know it is going to destroy me in the wonderful way in which only a book can. I'm only 76 pages in and already I am braced for the ride. I know I will be crushed beneath the weight of whatever climax is to come. The characters are too endearing, the prose too unique. It can't be helped.

When I was reading a litany of books on how to write an effective novel, one central theme emerged: invest in the characters, not the plot. The characters will in time, dictate the plot after they take a life of their own. "The Fault In Our Stars" exemplifies this perfectly.

Whereas some books require some effort and cognitive investment in order to get locked in, this book simply pulls you in without consent. From the beginning I have been swept away. The prose is beautiful and full of character. The dialogue is eccentric in the same way that J.D. Salinger and Wally Lamb forged their own characterized dialogue.

That's all I have for now. Writing about it just makes me want to read it, so I think I will.

Obligatory link to the book:

"The Fault In Our Stars"

Training

26 May 2013

Run 2 miles, 16:39

27 May 2013

Run 2 miles, 16:46

Intervals - 30 sec sprint/30 sec job - 8 intervals

 

Blood & Sand. [Training]

5/21/2013

Deadlift 5x5 - 270# 3 sets, 290# 1 set, 320# 1 set (PR'd on 320)

Bent rows 5x5 - 180# 3 sets, 200# 1 set, 220# 1 set

Kettlebell swings 25x5, 45#

5/22/2013

Ran 2 miles - 14:54 

Intervals - sprint 30s/job 30s - 8 intervals

5/23/2013

"Helen"

Three rounds for time:

Run 400m

Kettlebell swings, 55#, 21 reps

12 pull-ups

Time: 13:51

5/24/2013

Off-day in anticipation of the abuse on the ensuing day.

5/25/2013

"Murph"

While wearing an armor plate vest (20#), complete the following for time:

Run 1 mile

100 pull-ups

200 push-ups

300 squats

Run 1 mile.

Performed in Basrah, Iraq. Temp was 100 degrees F.

Time: 55:33

Life is good.

Applause For Guts.

It is a notion that tugs at the underpinnings of our existence. We are humans, the zenith of creation. This still doesn't amount to very much. Hardly ever do we yield to the limits of our perception. When was the last time you considered just what a small blip on the radar humankind has been in the grand scheme of this planet's existence? To steal a quote from Ishmael by Daniel Quinn, "The Middle Ages never thought they were the Middle Ages." The Middle Ages thought they were the zenith. Just as we do now.

I suppose we look away from the ephemeral nature of our existence collectively and individually because it calls into question the importance of everything we do. Why would we persist if we constantly maintained this lens of impermanence? Most of us likely wouldn't. 

Alan Watts finally concluded in The Book that there is no point to living. Before you despair, he goes on to say it is this pointlessness which grants us the freedom to do as we  please. Therefore, life is a game; a game meant to be played well. We can ascribe any sort of meaning we like to this existence. This is finally what differentiates you as a human from the cow idly chewing grass. You can like whatever you choose to like. You can detest whatever you please, and at the end of the day you don't even have to have a reason for it.

And this is another taut underpinning which may visit us all eventually; some more than once: life may in fact have no meaning at all. This would be a viable reason for why some have objectively searched for a meaning to life and never found an objective answer. There is no objective answer, yet there are myriad subjective answers. This refers back to the above paragraph: there may be no meaning to life aside from what meaning you apply to it.

If you've read this far along, you may feel like this entry is entirely negative, when in fact it isn't. You see, there is a certain amount of courage, a necessary severity of guts which one must have to live purposefully in an otherwise idle existence. When you come into this world with no particular purpose and you later reach an enlightened enough state to realize this entire song and dance is nothing more than a means of occupying our time and you still persist to live meaningfully in a way that is true to you, THAT is courage. THAT is guts. If you have emerged from the depression that comes with feeling marginalized by your own enlightenment and you can still live with vigor, then I applaud you.

Why do we do anything?

I don't have many exceptional talents. I can draw just fine, and write in a poignant fashion if only for short bursts. My vocabulary is above average, if that matters. What I can do, for better or worse, is see through the facades put forth daily. When someone smiles to me I can very well see the residual sadness behind it. When someone strides by me and replies to me that they are "doing well" I can only survey the recklessness of their gait and their clenched fists and deduce otherwise. This works to my advantage when interacting with people on a daily basis, but it can be tiring as you may imagine. Words hold little value, and if you look hard enough, you can see someone's true intentions in actions and in body language.

Time to come back from the deep end. I hate thrusters.

Yesterday's torture:

21 - 15 - 9 reps of the following:

Barbell thrusters (95#)

Burpees

Pull-ups

Plank rows (45# dumbbells)

Walking hurts.

Appraising Our Roots.

The initial lament from which all human appraisal stems: are we basically good, or basically evil? Do humans come into existence as pure souls that are adulterated along the way by experience, or does this pure nature remain latent beneath the surface - ready to erupt from the soil - at all times?

Though we may not have the definitive answer to this, it is a fundamental question from which the remainder of our assessment of humanity around us will originate. I have found that at any given time, the human mind is able to entertain either origin: good or bad. I can wake up one day with the perception that humanity is basically good, but fraught with certain fears and insecurities which convey evil. Or I could think humanity is basically bad; moreover, greedy and self-serving.

The easier route is to surmise that there is basic goodness. Goodness can become murky just based on the myriad circumstance we find ourselves in throughout our lives. This resonates as truth to me, but if you said you felt the contrary was true, I could see that as well. I would find it unfortunate that you perceive your own species in this way, however.

Speaking of roots, strength training begins at the roots. The roots are fortified with mothafuckin' squats. Today, I did squats. Squats are good for you and feel miserable sometimes. Hooray for masochism.

Squats Preamble

Jog 800m

Dynamic stretching

Triple heavy: back squats at 250# x3 is my triple heavy weight. (Triple heavy: the max weight you can rep three times.)

WOD:

Triple heavy back squats 250# x 3

Back squats, max reps, at 75% capacity: 190#. Completed 12 reps.

Burpee box jumps: 10

Back squats, max reps, at 65% capacity: 165#. Completed 10 reps.

Kettlebell swings, 45#, 30 reps.

Back squats, max reps, at 55% capacity: 140#. Completed 12 reps.

Burpee box jumps: 10

Encore:

Jog 800m for cool down.

Feels good.

Be Timeless.

It's 2013. We still can't travel through time. For that matter we still don't have mass-production flying cars. Although I can't offer resolve for the flightless cars we have, I can offer some suggestions on how to be timeless. How to exist in a way that will stand the test of time. Actions which, hundreds of years removed, your future self would say "That was the right thing to do."

Foremost, trust people. I mentioned in a previous entry about biological bias. We don't give other people enough credit for their proficiency. Especially if you are a leader, you should employ trust and believe that people know how to do their job or act with integrity until proven otherwise.

People often worry about being taken advantage of or appearing naive when they trust as a rule instead of on a case by case basis. I would retort that you are a strong enough person to endure the occasional let down associated with trusting people who perhaps should not have been trusted. In the end, it is a timeless gesture to trust someone and foster a sense of fellowship by means of trust rather than condescend someone or remain suspicious of them.

Speaking of work: you don't have to fuck someone over to move up in the world. Working hard and maintaining your own integrity is still a very viable option. The best part is that you get to remain true to yourself and you don't over-complicate a social dynamic by backstabbing. If you feel the need to put your foot on someone else's neck to boost yourself up the promotional ladder, you're probably not a very competent of strong worker in the first place. 

The universe tends to handle people like the above who are manipulative and untrustworthy. Additionally, I've found that if I limit my affairs, keep my head down and work hard, good things come to me more often than bad. I've spent my entire adult life working - and usually working long hours to the tune of 60+ hours a week. In all of this exposure to work, I can't recall a single episode where there has been a stand off, or where hostility took root in the work place. By keeping things simple and working hard without manipulation or expectation, this is possible and sustainable.

Yesterday's workout:

Treadmill tabata, 7.5 MPH, 12% incline for 10 intervals

Rest two minutes

Run 2 miles, 14 minutes 43 seconds.

Today's workout:

Warm up jog 800m

Deadlift 5x5

280, 280, 280, 300, 320 x 5 reps each

Each set of dead lift followed by 10 burpees

Bent row 3x3

220, 230, 240 x 3 reps each

Each set followed by 30 kettlebell swings, 45#

Feels good.

Effort Sustains Fortune.

A capable person makes their own luck by continually putting forth substantial effort. Persistence. Most worthwhile endeavors require sizable effort. Make yourself busy creating your own luck or else sit idly by and remark upon the good luck of others, never acknowledging the work they're putting in to obtain that good fortune.

Yesterday's workout:

Treadmill tabata at 7.5 MPH, 12% incline for 8 intervals

Two minute rest

Treadmill tabata at 7.5 MPH, 12% incline for 8 intervals

Four minute rest

100 kettlebell swings, 24kg/45#

40 burpees

40 L-pull-ups

Today's workout:

Warm up jog, 400m

Dynamic streching

Run one mile, 7 mins 51 seconds

Back squats 5 x 5 x 5 x 5 x5 at 190, 200, 210, 220, 230

Strict press 3 x 3 x 3 at 110, 120, 130

Cool down job, 400m

Something about effort.

That Which Never Emerges.

“I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”

The above is a Mark Twain quote, and one of my favorite quotes. Worrying is hard to avoid at times, because as humans, we have this ability to conjure higher thought. True, cows don't worry about the quality of grass they will be grazing on tomorrow. But they also can't express themselves in abstract, meaningful ways. It's the price we pay to be human.

The trouble is, worry is useless. Most of the things we worry about never come to be, and when they do it's rarely worse than we've anticipated it to be. More over, it is a useless exercise that expends energy in a less than efficient way. With all the time you spend wringing your hands with worry, you could be working toward a means of  making your situation better. 

If I recall all of the things I've ever worried about, I'd find a staggering list of things which never came to be. Doing this is a good exercise as well, because it is a pleasant reminder that we have fairly fortunate lives, despite the hardships along the way. Nothing is ever as bad as we imagine it to be.

As for me? Well, I made a new 8tracks playlist today. I am moderately proud of it. You can find it right here!

Rest day today, mainly because I am monitoring a patient all day and can't leave. The patient accidentally shot himself in the hand with a 9mm handgun while he was cleaning it. Poor guy.

Accepting The Universe

Srikumar Rao's TED Talk is one that I revisit periodically. It is timelessly applicable, foremost; however, I also revisit it because I struggle to maintain the concepts he teaches. It's a fairly long video at just over nineteen minutes, but worth the investment in time.

Srikumar makes mention of "accepting the universe as it is", and uses the example of a time in our lives when we have stumbled upon great natural beauty - be it a stunning ocean view, a lofty mountain perspective, or decadent green fields. During these disarmingly beautiful moments, we have no trouble accepting the universe for what it is. The key is, the universe is always the way it is, regardless of how beautiful or horrid the setting. Finding acceptance of your existence regardless of setting is a major breakthrough.

Further, Srikumar implores that we invest in the process rather than the outcome. Along the same lines as "it's about the journey, not the destination." If you can commit yourself to an endeavor fully, focusing on doing your best at it without focusing on the expected outcome, you can derive joy from whatever you are doing. Any pleasant outcome is a bonus. Any unpleasant outcome is a learning experience, and you still got to enjoy the process along the way. But when you are in a state of perpetual yearning - "I want to save up for that car" - and then you get what you want, paying little mind to the journey to get to that end point, it cheapens the experience. Before long, you will take that car for granted, and move on to yearn for something else, again foregoing the pleasure of the process.

It becomes, then, a perpetual state of yearning. Never satiated. Craving good outcomes, craving new acquisitions. This sort of yearning is the same reason why some people find it necessary to sleep with countless people, rapidly disposing of humans as if they were, in fact, consumables. But at the endgame, this person isn't ever really satisfied, because no one can seem to merit being loyal to. No one is good enough. Which is a shame, because not only do all the hapless suitors who "weren't good enough" suffer, but the person using these suitors suffers as well. This person never knows true happiness in companionship and always yearns. 

Unless there is a paradigm shift. Like most things, it starts in that little power plant between your ears. Anyone can do it.

Working out and stuff

Running, 1 mile - 8 mins 01 seconds

Deadlift 5 x 5 x 5 x 5 x 5 (increasing load)

230# x 5, 245# x 5, 260# x 5, 285# x 5, 300# x 5

Bent Rows 5 x 5 x 5 x 5 x 5 (increasing load)

160# x 5, 175# x 5, 190# x 5, 205# x 5, 220# x 5

I'll leave you with a song that's been blowing my tiny little mind. Enjoy!

I Am Jack's Smirking Revenge

Four rounds for time:

27 box jumps, 24"

20 burpees

30 kettlebell swings, 24kg (45#)

28 minutes, 53 seconds

  The original WOD is Klepto, but it involves squat cleans and my right wrist is trashed at the moment. Subbed in kettlebell swings. End result was the same: felt like death immedately after, and I feel like a million bucks now.

Reddit Fodder:

Very interesting read on Reddit where a user asks Japanese people what they were taught about WWII. Can be found here. 

Some angry guy music below if you're feeling particularly angry or lifting heavy things.

 

Check Yourself - Biology Bias

This morning I read an interesting article at Postmasculine. Postmasculine is worthy of your frequent perusal, as the subject matter is typically very progressive and thoughtful. The entry I read in particular was The Biology Bias. I strongly recommend you read it.

The biology bias is a theory and it resonates with anyone who has at least a moderate level of honesty with themselves. Only two people could possibly not identify with the biology bias: a perfect person, or a person in deep denial about their thoughts and actions.

The biology bias basically states that we overstate the negative actions of others while downplaying our own. As an example: you are in the restroom and you see someone exit before washing their hands. Typically a feeling of disdain comes to us, even if ever so brief. However, if you were to exit the bathroom before washing your hands, you would likely already have various defensible explanations to pardon your behavior: "I am in a hurry." or "I didn't pee on my hands." or something of the like.

The biology bias also works the other way, by amplifying our own positive actions while downplaying if not ignoring the positive contributions of others. Example: if your favorite sports team won, they did so by virtue of being the better team, and playing harder. If the other team wins, they were lucky and didn't deserve it.

Or as an example, the image below:

The Postmasculine article goes further. It eventually delves into nature versus nurture, and addresses the angst men and women subject one another to and have since apparently the beginning of time.

  Take refuge in knowing everyone is guilty of this. However, be aware that you can modify your thoughts which then modifies your behavior. With mindfulness, maintaining presence, and an ego-destroying amount of honesty applied to yourself, you can get better of avoiding the pitfalls of the biology bias.

Hat tip to Rob Pugh at Relaxed Focus for this linking to the biology bias article as well as many other interesting articles over time.

And an update on my entry from two days ago about lucid dreaming with the FILD technique. It worked surprisingly well and on the first try. I basically dreamt that I woke from sleep, went outside of my armored compound where my car awaited me. I drove away from Iraq to a fantasy theme park where whatever I imagined came to be. I eventually jumped off a cliff and plummeted into a post-apocalyptic world that needed saving. Needless to say, I was pretty excited about it when I woke up. Of note: while I didn't craft every aspect of the changing environments in my dream, I did dictate my every action. 

Will update later with lifting stuff.

Internet Abuzz: FILD of Dreams.

Perhaps you know of lucid dreaming. If you're a close friend of mine then you're no doubt aware of my fascination with concepts such as lucid dreaming, collective consciousness, and other psychological phenomenon. Lucid dreaming is heavily referenced in Waking Life, a cell-shaded movie with philosophical diatribes and lucid dream sequences. It would come as no surprise that this is one of my favorite movies.

Lucid dreaming is essentially when you are fully aware that you are, in fact, dreaming. With this realization in place, you are free to act autonomously within your dream. As you can imagine, this can lead to a unique situation in which you have full command of your dreams. For me, this has happened a handful of times in my life, but never with any repeatable frequency. I tried in vain to think about dreaming just prior to going to sleep, which worked with a minimal amount of success.

A technique which is rapidly gaining prevalence on the internet is FILD technique. That is, finger induced lucid dreaming. In the event that you are allergic to clicking on links, I will post the steps here. It's very simple.

The idea is to first place yourself in a situation where you are very tired. So in order to ensure you are very tired, you should sleep for 3-6 hours. 

Step 1: Sleep for 3-6 hours. So, set your alarm to wake you up after 3-6 hours of sleep. 3-4 is likely ideal.

Step 2: Upon waking, silence the alarm and begin the FILD technique. This is simple. Using the index and middle fingers of one hand (dominant hand works best), slightly raise your middle finger, and then lower it. Then raise your index finger, and lower it. This should mimic a "piano playing" motion and the range of motion should be very narrow. Only raise and lower your fingers enough to know that you are, in fact, moving your fingers. Raise middle, lower middle. Raise index, lower index. Repeat. Practice now if you'd like.

Step 3: As you are already tired and doing the FILD technique, continue moving your fingers for anywhere from 30-60 seconds. Really, this part is the hardest part. You should slip into a dream state while maintaining full awareness. What I mean is: you will still be moving your fingers even though you are dreaming and will feel very much like you are still awake! This leads to step 4.

Step 4: Because it may be hard to differentiate between being asleep or being awake, it is necessary to perform a reality check (RC). The most highly recommended RC is to pinch your nose until you occlude your nostrils. If awake, you won't be able to breathe and you will feel it. If you can still breathe and can't feel it, you are lucid dreaming. 

Step 5: There is no step 5. The work is done. It's time to do as you please within your dream.

Let it be known that I have yet to try this. I only discovered this an hour ago and will attempt tonight. If you are skeptical, well, I was too. However, Reddit users are having great success with it, and furthermore: Reddit is literally exploding in the wake of this.

If lucid dreaming is a concept that appeals to you, I suggest you give it a try. And let me know how it goes. I'll report back after tonight.

Squats Are A Cruel But Rewarding Mistress

Squats can be a lot of things. They can be that friend in the room whom you have wronged or owe money and as such you don't want to make eye contact with. A lot of guys enter the gym, make brief eye contact with the squat rack, only to proceed to the leg press or preacher curls. Denial is a strong modality, but you can never fully shake the guilt.

Of course, once you embrace the squat, it takes you in its loving embrace. At first it hurts you and you wonder why you're in this violent relationship. But over time, as your physique changes from the diaphragm down, you realize it was a worthwhile endeavor after all.

At any rate, yesterday was my first day doing squats since returning from a month of PTO in which I did no squats, or much exercise of any kind. I was dismayed at how much strength I lost, but I also anticipated it.

Treadmill tabata

8 mph, 13% incline, 20 sec running, 10 sec rest, 10 sets (five minutes)

Half mile cool down run at 6.5 mph

Back squats

220# x 3, 5-5-5

210# x 2, 5-5

Strict Press

Such an ego destroyer. 110# x 3, 5-5-5

100#x3, 5-5

Pull-ups

body weight, 12-12-10-8-6

Leg day calls for whiskey consumption that night. This ensures more soreness the next day. Splendid.

Your Choices Still Matter.

Any time we bubble over with resentment about the state of our neighborhood, country, or world, we must realize that we are inextricably tied to these conditions. If there was not a fascination with the celebrity lifestyle, we would not have celebrity gossip, or celebrity reality TV, or any other variation of the glut of celebrity ephemera we are now perpetually exposed to. When you lament aloud about the decline in intellectualism or people with substance, you must all the while look at your own expenditures of time. If you watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians and complain about the inherent shallowness of the world around you, you're not only spinning your wheels in futility, but also furthering the lifespan of the problem you squawk about.

The good news is change on the micro level is the only way to incite change on the macro level. If you truly do resent certain characteristics about the present day, then if would be in your best interests to adopt worthwhile habits and thrive on them. Every time you turn off the TV and read a book, it is a small victory. You issue a small impulse to the book's author saying, "Hey! I'm reading out here! Keep it up!". Before long that author would become more successful, and other potential authors will see that there is a way to live well as an author after all. This is how it starts.

In the end, I can only project so much. I know what is in my best interests. It involves finding meaning in being alive in various capacities. For you, this may be different. Life is book ended by birth and then death with an unknowable time in between. What you do in that time will define your legacy and ultimately, you should do what makes you happy. Just know that if the world at large is making you unhappy, you should make an effort to see if you're contributing to the problem.

Rest day today. Back at it tomorrow.

If I Knew Then.

Good old hindsight. When I think of all the things I've been doing incorrectly or inefficiently and how long I've been doing it that way, I can only laugh. To think: I went about things a certain way in dead seriousness only to later uncover the fact that there was a better way.

The above paragraph surely sounds cryptic; however, rest assured that you can apply it to just about anything. The path ahead is rarely ever clear until after we have traversed it and survey what we've passed over in the rear view mirror. It comes to us all as experience but only a percentage of us will absorb it as wisdom: learning from experience and applying it in the future. 

To me, this process of establishing habits, making mistakes and then synthesizing their lessons is what makes life worth living. That moment of crystallization when you step back and think to yourself, "This is the way." I guess this is also why I'm in the minority with regard to aging. It's an absolute pleasure to accumulate experiences and if I'm fortunate enough, some wisdom as well.

Speaking of doing things inefficiently: I really wasted a lot of time doing fitness regimens which were finally ineffective. Live and learn. If only I did back squats and dead lifts from the start. If only I had trashed bicep curls for pull-ups and shrugs for burpees. If only I'd ditched the long slow runs and started sprinting instead. Oh well. If I had gotten it all right from the start, I wouldn't be sitting here appreciating the illumination I now experience by doing things more effectively.

Oh and hey, whenever you get a little too serious about the way you go about things, just remember this quote by Joe Rogan:

“If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.”

RUNNING TABATA

Treadmill set to 12% incline, set at 7.5 mph per Rx. Run 20 seconds, rest 10 seconds. Repeat 8 times. Video below gives a better description.

I did six sets at 7.5 mph, 12% incline. I did six sets because I miscounted. After a one minute resting period I tried again and vowed not to miscount.

Result: 12% incline, 8 mph. 20 seconds running, 10 seconds resting x 8. Although the 7th and 8th rounds were somewhat difficult, I feel comfortable increasing the incline and doing a 25:10 ratio instead of 20:10 ratio next time. It's interesting to see what my strengths and weaknesses are in Crossfit. Cardio and speed work are coming to me much easier than overhead exercises.

Speaking of.

Pullups - 50 reps for time. Completed it 5 minutes and 3 seconds. Was pretty much in failure after this was completed so there was little chance of doing the 100 rep WOD within the confines of the same day, let alone the same hour. Still, I went on to do this after a two minute rest from the treadmill Tabata WOD. Possibly eyeballing an off day tomorrow, or more speed work.

For your listening pleasure, some thought provoking rap. Be good everyone. And if you can't be good, have fun.

      

You Are Your Own Captor

If you are reading this right now then you're probably free. Free in the physical sense. No jailor to speak of. I could be wrong, but chances are I'm not. I may even go a step further and say you're more free than I am right now. Truly, I can't leave this place I'm in. For the next two months, this is where I'll be. However, this isn't about me.

Regardless of your physical freedom, many of us hold ourselves captive unknowingly. Whether the culprit is a daily routine absent of stimulation, depression, or some uncompromising perception, many of us are incarcerated by our own limiting perceptions.

For the sake of being succinct I will isolate depression. When I mention depression I am also considering any lifestyle bereft of livelihood. A rut.

Maybe you're in a hole right now. At any given time we've all been deep down in a hole and many of us have considered ourselves irretrievably lost. If this person is you, I would like to offer some suggestions to rattle your cage enough to prise the bolted door open. None of this is advice I've read in a magazine; far from it, this is derived from personal experience. 

1) It's not about you. This is the most potent and remorseless acknowledgement I've had to accept when I'm feeling down. You see, when you are stuck in a murky depression, the way is not clear. The only thing you can ruminate upon is that very depression which is making you feel so powerless. You're not thinking about hugging a loved one or smiling at strangers or doing a random act of kindness. Yet, this is the very thing you should do. Anecdotally, consider a selfless friend you have, and then consider their overall happiness. When you dwell on your own misfortune, it further empowers this negative feeling. If you can live for a cause greater than yourself, you'll find greater purpose. So stop focusing on yourself entirely. Shift your gaze to something bigger, exert yourself toward it and see if you don't start climbing out of that hole.

2) Momentum is key. Good habits beget good outcomes. Likewise, if you are entrenched in poor habits you can expect yourself to feel bad. As an example, I am at my best when I go to bed early, wake early and take my time getting ready for the day. If I exert myself intensely in the gym, eat well, and read, seldom does this result in a bad day. If I string together several days of this, I naturally find myself feeling incredible. It is a momentum which can eventually sustain itself. Happy people didn't just stumble onto happiness. It is something you have to work for. There is no magic bullet. It's the price we pay for being sentient creatures with high thought processes.

3) Employ the long view. Finally, being sad is normal. Why should you be exempt from the feeling of sadness? This sounds like some sort of spoiled entitlement. Of course, this particular entitlement is rampant in modern culture. How many people seek refuge in medication for what is ultimately just a phase in their life? Divorce is supposed to make you sad. So is the death of a loved one. Responding to such episodes by blasting your neurotransmitters into oblivion with medication isn't ideal or sustainable. Eventually you have to lock gaze with the demon you've tried so hard to elude. The good news is sadness is almost always episodic. That is, just like happiness is a phase, so is sadness. Again, this is the price of admission for being a highly functioning being: we are subjected to a very vast spectrum of emotion.

Take solace in knowing that unless you are an extreme outlier, your sadness will come to an end in short order. And again, there are actions and acknowledgments which can expedite an improvement in outlook. The caveats are that first of all, the way out of this hole you're in may not be easy. It may be very hard indeed, and you have to do it one step at a time. And secondly, no one can do it but you. No matter how badly your friends and family want you to get better, it takes initiative and sustained effort on your part to make it all better.

There's more you can do, just as there's much more to the whole idea of holding yourself captive, but this will do for now. There's a world out there, life to be lived, people to meet and good books to read. The number of experiences you haven't had exponentially outnumber those which you have had. The great expanse of what you don't know is infinite compared to the modest amount you do know. There is a certain comfort in this and for me, an excitement to engage this existence which I simply won't allow to abate.

"GRACE"

Clean & jerk (135# is Rx, but I did 125#) 30 reps for time.

Completed in 10 minutes 11 seconds. This was my first time doing clean & jerk and I really enjoyed it. It's a big technique which expends a lot of energy and is the epitome of "picking things up and putting them down." I look forward to doing it again. Video below:

Conditioning

Strict press (110#) 12 reps

Pushups (deep, chest to ground) 30 reps

Squat jumps 30 reps

Strict press (110#) 8 reps

Pushups 20 reps

Squat jumps 20 reps

Strict press (100#) failure after 4, was going for 6

Pushups - repeated failure, stopped at 8 but was going for 15

Squat jumps 10 reps

And then I proceeded to spill onto the floor for a while. Feels good man.     

Why?

To this point in your life, you are the sum of a vast array of decisions you've made. Yesterday I wrote on taking action and escaping the safe confines of idleness. This is a tricky bit of advice, however.  Encapsulated in every potential action of is a cosmos of preconception, apprehension, expectation and anticipation. This cosmos is brought to you by past experience - the only reliable analogue we've ever been able to draw upon.

As encumbering and oppressive as this nebula of past experience can be when trying to move forward and grow as a person, there is one query which can dismantle the inadequacy machine within your mind entirely. Say it with me:

WHY?

"WHY?" The question that cuts down to the fatty tissue of intention. When you ask yourself why, you are potentially disarming a trap you set for yourself. When you ask yourself why, you are eluding sabotage of your future self. I am sure this sounds incredibly abstract so I have prepared an example.

  Your friend invites you to a social gathering which requires formal wear. This event will likely play host to many successful young adults. It is, then, an endeavor filled with promise. Yet, compelled by a visceral surge of contempt for the entire conceptualized evening being described by your dear friend, you decline the offer.

Why?

Asking yourself "Why?" in this instance is going to be quite helpful. You are now about to engage your ego in an exercise fraught with humility. But don't fret, for this is good medicine.

Why?

Because you get nervous around new people.

That's a start, but it simply won't do. We're not exactly going to grow or understand ourselves if we stop right there. Remember: honesty is going to get you far in this exercise. So is persistence. So we persist.

You get nervous around new people. Why?

Because you are self conscious about your image.

A-ha. Keep it up.

Why are you self conscious about your image?

Because your first serious relationship called you fat. And at no juncture in that less than savory relationship did you pump the brakes and stand up for yourself. You never refuted the accusation that you're fat. You absorbed every bit of it. You owned it, and now it is you. But it isn't.

Your first serious relationship called you fat, and you took it. Why?

Because when you were growing up, there was never a role model there to tell you that you're better than that. That you amount to more than some careless words uttered by a malevolent person. 

Why was there never a role model?

Because mommy walked out on you and daddy had to work three jobs to support you. Left to your own devices, you did well to get to this point and yes, you are a worthwhile person.

A person who isn't fat and a person who would look stunning in a cocktail dress at that event you were invited to.

And you would know this as a wholesome truth, you would attend this party and probably meet some incredible people, if you had the wherewithal and honesty and determination to ask yourself "why?".

For you and for myself, there is work to be done. Now is as good a time as any. Roll up your sleeves, look deep within yourself. Be honest with yourself and ask why. When you unravel a single mystery about yourself which has plagued you for your entire adult life, then you can really get to work. Even though no one was there in your childhood to re-affirm to you that you are an amazing, non-fat person, you can still get to work right now on realizing that you've sold yourself a lie all along. In reality you're wonderful and always have been, but you've perpetuated a great big lie about yourself and allowed it claim dominion over your livelihood.

At any moment you can stop being in this lull and become the person you've always wanted to be. Because you already are that person and you always have been.

Why?

SPEED WORK

Dynamic stretches; jogging - 5 minutes (warm up)

Running (6 mph pace) - 7 minutes   

Sprint (max effort) 30 seconds followed by one minute of running (recovery pace of 6 mph) x 4 sets

Running (6 mph pace) 5 minutes

20 box jumps, 24"

Sprint (max effort) 30 seconds followed by one minute of running (recovery pace of 6 mph) x 4 sets

Running (6 mph pace) 5 minutes

20 box jumps, 24"

Running (5 mph pace) 5 minutes (cool down)

Starve Doubt, Stifle Fear.

In order to continue writing, or run down the stretch of road before you, or pick up and put down the heavy object before you, you must first sever the wire originating from your brain which is abuzz with all the reasons why you shouldn't act.

Once you have learned how to write a policy, the hardest part is simply writing it. Once you have built a certain level of cardiovascular endurance, the hardest part is simply running forward. Once you have learned proper lifting form, the hardest part is simply picking up and putting down the weighted object before you. In other words, simple.

Perhaps our brains telling us no is the reason why we have persisted as a species to this point. New action is unknown and the unknown is perceived as dangerous. But to remain inactive, dormant, is no way to live. To live meaningfully we need only starve our doubts, stifle our fears, and act. In hindsight we will laugh at ourselves and think, "That wasn't even that hard."

This is the difference between winning and losing. Meaning and idleness. Ascension and plummeting. Progress and regression. Simply committing to action instead of being crushed under the trepidation of living.

In every waking moment we are afforded a choice. In one lifetime there are countless moments to decide. If in the end you're still in the same spot, miserable and safe and unremarkable,  don't say I didn't try.

Rest day in the desert. No running, no lifting. Just work and emails and books and whiskey.