I have spent much time recently pondering what is more worthwhile: knowing oneself or immersing oneself in advanced ideas and thoughts? Perhaps I word it favorably and most people select the "knowing oneself" option, but is this so? I have not quantified statistics, but in my anecdotal observations in life so far it seems that attending college is vastly more important than embarking on a quest to know oneself in solitude while backpacking in the mountains. I understand that much of this has to do with the way society is structured and the demands it places on the individual to succeed, but after much thought is seems incredibly remiss not to give more weight to the idea of knowing oneself better.
We are existing in a time when it is unbearable to be bored. I am guilty of this too. Imagine, you are seated in a doctor's office awaiting your turn to see the doctor, and so you scramble to occupy your mind. You are reaching into your pocket for your smart phone, or scanning the room for a magazine to read, or perhaps even looking amid the occupants of the same waiting room for someone to strike up conversation with. The last option itself is of a dying breed as we become more antisocial. The last thing we would like to do, myself included in many cases, is simply sit in your seat with nothing to do.
I am discovering more and more the value of sitting in one place and doing nothing. There was a time very recently when I did not want to be left alone with myself, but it is to me a necessary exercise to acquire inner peace. While I have been sharing a commuting van with 8-10 other classmates in training I have found that many people I ride with are uncomfortable with silence. These days I find myself craving the solitude and peacefulness of silence. What is right? What is wrong? Nothing. There is no need to evaluate either way. Perhaps we should all do what makes us happy.
Therein we find the caveat. Doing things all the time eventually leads to unhappiness for many people. A sort of neurosis sets in which makes us uneasy with the idea of having nothing to do. It is very neurotic to not be able to do nothing. There are many times when action is warranted, but in our leisurely downtime, we may do well to simply sit and just be.
So again I pose this: who is the wiser soul? The hermit or the dream dynasty builder? We can immerse ourselves very deeply in the writings of prominent philosophers and try to emulate these high areas of thought, but where are we after we are done? Are we seeking out even more dream dynasties to build? Are we ever becoming happier, more complete persons? Is there creedence in simply being the hermit, content to just sit and breathe?
I can only offer my own mortal and often flawed perspective. I have found great solace in sitting meditation, walking meditation, and the ability to exist comfortably - and more important, peacefully - in silence. It has carried over into my work. I have been able to care for severely sick and injured people in a more calm and calculated state. Ever since my serious implementation of meditation, I have not found myself sweating profusely and fretting over whether or not I would be able to provide adequate treatment for a dying patient. I have simply done it. Succinctly put, fear is leaving me. It is because of meditation.
Fear is a machination of the mind. We can fear being bitten by a dog all day long. Or we can be bitten by the dog finally and realize that yes, it hurts, but no, it is not as bad as we perceived it to be. The mind is so slippery in how it tricks us. There was a time when I would fret over having to resuscitate a small child, because it is dreadful to the mind to imagine this. Having met this scenario a few times now, I know that in the moment it is not as fearsome as I perceived it in a preconceived fashion. All things are like this. Tattoos are not as painful as our preconception of tattoo pain is. Confronting someone who is harming you is not nearly as fearsome as the thought of doing so.
It is the mind. The mind is not the enemy to us, but it can certainly seem as such. It is for this reason that I think the hermit is the victor when pitted against the dream dynasty builder. I can construct my empire of high thoughts for decades, but if they are not solidified in practice, what are these thoughts worth? They burn away like morning dew when exposed to the heat of reality.
And then, after long enough and with plenty of application of meditation, I find that fear is not a component of life lest we allow it to be so. If this is so, then we can vanquish most fear. If we can vanquish most fear in life, then we can be happy and never have to seek security. We can always seek adventure. This is a sort of enlightenment. It is important to me to continually understand that enlightenment is amorphous and ever fleeting. It can be attained in a moment and perhaps even maintained with enough mindfulness, but it is never solely mine to keep. It is not a status I acquire and champion for life. There must be effort always to maintain it, but the maintenance becomes easier with this effort.
I am beginning to understand that I will not be the same after this contract. This year long sabbatical has already begun to unweave the fabric of prior ego and I feel the unveiling of the person I have wanted to be, but did not have the courage to be before. It takes so much more courage to smile than to frown or scowl. Life implores more fortitude of us to adventure rather than stay put. I have many places to see and much to do, but have only recently found the resolve to do so.
All of this acquiescence to the unknown and the daring has been made possible by my resolution to sit and do nothing. It all starts with this, it is forever at the heart of this, and I vow to maintain this. To be a happy and purposeful person, I will sit and do nothing. In no thing we can find every thing. Think about that.
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