Round Peg, Square Hole.

There is so much seeking in this world. Nearly every action is so firmly rooted in either pleasure seeking or pain avoidance (which is really another way of indirectly seeking pleasure). To clear the mind I sit and I meditate. I want to operate independently of these learned motives of pleasure seeking and pain avoidance, as this is the only way to be free of fear. Fear declares so much dominion upon all living things.

It is one modest action to simply read these words. It is quite a bold commitment to actually try to live them. I have existed as a quiet and unimposing person, and it does not work for very long before people begin pointing at you and referring to you as some variation of "the quiet one" or "the weird one" and so on. There is a very good quote which says "Do no speak unless you can improve upon the silence." yet in today's maddening world it is the status quo. Existing against the status quo will cause a separation from the other people you live in close proximity with and ultimately generates estrangement. Persistent alienation of this sort may even cause one to be outcast completely. Is this what it means to live righteously? Were the various 'deities' throughout history so righteous and rigid in their beliefs that they endured such isolation? To what end does any of this even matter?

To exist as a silent and peaceful person always maintaining presence is to exist as a round peg in a world comprised of square holes. I surmise that this is why so many Buddhist practitioners eventually relent to the monastic life where such a lifestyle of silence, presence, and peace is accepted and even promoted. Such is not the case in the often chaotic world we presently live in.

Amid this confusion I have resolved to perform a pilgrimage of sorts next July or August of 2012 - a Yatra in Sanskrit. I seek the answer to this postulation. I believe in the teachings of the dharma but find it difficult to live this way in our present day without compromise. I will seek out those who can tell me if there is even a possibility of merging both venues. I think with great care it can be done, though I perceive that there will still be minor compromises. Perhaps these are simply my own mental formations leading me to believe this. All I know is that when I am silent and ever-present I am very happy, though most people assume I am upset or angry when I am silent for prolonged periods. This is not at all a continuing endorsement to remain mindful and silent, even if it is what I enjoy.

I appreciate the challenge this presents. Life is in itself a challenge to navigate in wellness, and so I appreciate the difficulty. One day I will discover whether or not living in wellness (based on my preferences) requires isolation/monasticism or compromise.