Spelunking Into Oneself.

I have not made it entirely clear to everyone the reasons why I am accepting a one year contract to work as a paramedic in Iraq. I have not done my duty in rationalizing aloud to you all the reason(s) why I would voluntarily place myself in a hostile country on the cusp of a civil war. I have been remiss in my responsibility to tell you that the driving force behind me doing this has nothing to do with the money I will be receiving.

I am doing this because I needed a pause button. Every day life is chaos, and not just mine. I guarantee your life is chaotic as well. Perhaps you cannot see it so clearly right now, just sitting there and reading these words. However, when you consider the summation of our personal evolutions, you may find that many of us have a composition of other peoples' ideas. From what to wear, to what to say (quoting others), to  what to think  (consider news media, reading books with another person's thoughts and ideas in them and then adapting those ideas to one's own life), to how to be (religion and any other habit-enforcing information). How much of this is truly you?

I have applied this very question to myself and found the depth of my findings paper-thin. I gauge my own composition by how comfortable I am sitting alone with nothing distracting me. How long can I sit and simply exist with myself? How long will it be before another person's ideas, thoughts, or works enter my head? If you can't think of examples of this then you either are not being honest enough or not trying very hard. The hobbies of most of us have less to do with being creators and using our own minds and much more to do with passively allowing the efforts of other people enter our minds. Perhaps this is not a bad thing, but then that simply means you are at ease with the idea of not developing as a person.

There is a distinct difference between developing as a person, by forging your own way, and simply doing as society has taught or demanded you to do. Ever since we were old enough to learn, we have been molded - sometimes subtly and sometimes with great coercion - to do and to think as others see fit. The mind is made to learn these things, and they do have their place in limited capacity, but the mind is also intended to create as well as to express. Yet these two properties are being ever more malnourished as we evolve as a species.

So back to the topic at hand: I am accepting this one year contract to work in Iraq because I am very aware of the isolation and the absolute boredom it may entail, and I invite it. Where other people are beginning to dread the implications of a year in the middle of a desert with little to do, I invite it. Now is the time when I will begin to discover myself, and become at peace with simply being alone with myself.

For too long I have felt a subtle panic when boredom began to surface. I would reach for my phone, the TV remote, or video games. Much harm has come, on a worldly basis, from mankind's aversion to boredom. Though I find value in the toil and efforts of other great thinkers, I wish to confine myself to my own great thoughts, and cultivate my own great ideas.

It is time to learn how to quiet the mind and venture inward. I don't think it is worthwhile to worry about who is saying mean things about me when I am not around, or what the latest fashion is. I need to cease being bothered by what others are doing, which political party is doing what, or what music is better than some other music. Revolution cannot be forced, it cannot be shouted for incessantly. True, meaningful revolution begins on a personal level, by one person committed to truly changing themselves, or at the very least forwarding themselves in a true fashion. The aforementioned is why I will be gone for a year.

When I return in good health (and I will - safely and happily, do not worry) I will not look or act radically different. Do not fret, because I will not change who I am, I will merely hone who I am.